Friday, January 15, 2010

You could have just said "I'm not pregnant."


Souvenir from Africa

"But I'm NOT pregnant," says Extranjera to the Hubby after reading some of the comments left in response to her previous post.

"Nope. No sirree. Not at all," she continues, while the Hubby glances at her and pretends to listen, while he is actually playing some inane game on Facebook, and is probably thinking more about whether to recruit his new-to-social-media-and-thus-all-excited-and-baffled-by-it mother to his virtual vampire army, than anything even remotely close to producing offspring. Unless that offspring were undead. And on Facebook.  

"Uh huh... Hmm, vampire spawn?" he responds, and clicks with his mouse.

Extranjera is bewildered: "Not even a little bit pregnant, or in that movie-star way that Jennifer Lopez wasn't when she ended up having twins with that skinny guy, and that we all think Jessica Simpson might [not?] be, but then we remember that she isn't actually getting any bigger," she iterates, "And so, yes, I'm not pregnant like Jessica Simpson, which is to say that I like my burgers. With lots of mayo too. The ones made of beef of course, not of babies. Other than that, no link whatsoever."

"Eating babies. Uh huh. The Chinese? No, sorry, dogs," the Hubby compassionately pitches in.

"Yah. The Chinese. Google's fighting them too," Extranjera assures the inattentive Hubby, "But so no babies. No. Not in the uterus, or the stomach, or really even on the mind. And the bottom line is that the only way I'll even acquire a baby is if someone, somewhere in the world (crazier things have happened, and it turns out that regardless of my genes, I can hug after all and it doesn't even make me gag [I know, I'm just as surprised as everyone else]), gives me a baby to take care of," she goes on.

"Personally, I won't be popping them out. Ever," she adds with conviction.

"I know, hun. The Chinese should just give you a baby and stop eating them. That would be the humane thing to do," the Hubby says, "Do you think my mom will understand the word decapitate?" 

The loudspeaker above this dialogue crackles and the nasal voice of an oldish woman comes on.

"We break this interesting exchange to bring you a very important notice regarding the main character in this blog: She is most certainly not pregnant, just really busy, and currently on her way to the airport to pick up yet more guests, the second bunch, and won't be back online until the 25th, and then with fears of similar exchanges since the last, and third, installment of guests consists of her in-laws. Although she is too busy working and entertaining at the moment to be online, she should be back by then and be most certainly driven to drink. Again."

"We here at the crossroads of the Super Id, Guilt and Perfection thank you for your attention, wish you a lovely week, and hope to see you back on the 25th. Or thereabouts."

13 comments:

Ellie said...

Ah, but are you SURE?
You realise this means you can't blame crazy on those convenient pregnancy hormones...

Just Jules said...

So, let's get this straight - you are not pregnant ?????

*snort*giggle

Optimistic Pessimist said...

did i miss something? why would people think you're preggers?

I must re-read the last post. Good luck with the final round of guests.

My name is Erin. said...

So what you're saying is that you ARE pregnant. I read that correctly, right?

If I were pregnant right now, I would cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and they would not be tears of joy.

Myne Whitman said...

Dost thou protest too much? How many words again?

histreasure said...

protest much? me thinks so too..lol.but seriously, why are they thinking you're pregnant?

My Bambino said...

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!

armyblond said...

Wow ... I've missed a lot!

Lorna said...

Personally, I can't wait to see what you will write after you've been driven to drink, hehe. And ouch(!) on that photo of the sunburnt(?) legs...

omchelsea said...

The 25th? Who are these people that they can keep you away from the interwebs with such impunity?!

Not So Glamorous Housewife said...

So I leave your blog for a few months to explore my inner feelings of vomit and strange tests with two lines and odd desires to eat liver and drink wine although I do not drink the wine because that my dear is how the child ends up with an extra eyeball or tail although I really do want the wine very very badly just to return and see that you are NOT pregnant too. Oh it could have been a magnificent exchange. Well, perhaps an "I'm not having a baby" shower is in order. It would be best celebrated by much wine, unpasturized cheese, and time spent in a smoke filled location. I will be sitting here in my boring old chair eating cheeseburgers...sighing

caroldiane said...

ummm... I miss you - blog soon xoxo

My name is Erin. said...

I miss you. Please come back.