Ode to Kenny of Hewlett Packard

Have you ever had to re-regionalize a printer? No? Count yourself lucky and go give yours a kiss.

I am currently involved in a long and winding e-mail correspondence with a Hewlett Packard customer support technician called Kenny (and possibly another guy who refuses to be named, or Kenny again screwing with my brain by claiming to be someone else).

Dear Extranjera,

"We regionalize in order to better meet specific local customer needs", but we would actually just like some more money out of you. Since you printed 20 pages using cartridges from Mexico you, without your knowledge, synched your printer to only accept cartridges purchased from Mexico. This is a nifty little invention that ensures us that you won't be able to shop around for the best deal, because we, sort of, would like you pay through the nose please. Come on, we know you can afford it. We won't tell you about this regionalization business though, because it would be nice if you bought those slightly cheaper cartridges you found in Taiwan anyway, and only found out upon your return home that they don't actually work. We make them look exactly the same on purpose.

"I would like to you perform the statement that is mentioned below", as my intention is to confuse you thoroughly as to what you should do and what exactly it is that I am referring to, because we're also kind of hoping that you'll buy a new printer, and that's why I'm using our best weapon, Google translate, to translate my emails from Hebrew into English. It's like a fun game and it lets me practice my Hebrew.

"I would utilize the best of available resources to answer your query", but I won't because then you would be able to change the regionalization, and we would much rather you just went out and bought a new printer.

"Before providing the steps to troubleshoot the issue let me educate you about the concept of regionalization" because I won't actually provide any steps in this mail, but perhaps my spiel about this regionalization thing we're implementing to piss you off and make your life more difficult will confuse you into thinking that you are just too stupid to follow exact steps on how to solve the problem. I wish you would just go out and get a new printer.

"Let me inform you that to resolve the issue, it may take a few more email exchanges. Your patience is appreciated. I seek your cooperation", because it will be me answering all of your subsequent emails all asking the same exact question, but I will pretend like I'm someone else and give you the exact same spiel as the last one until you go out and get that new printer.

"We appreciate you for giving us the opportunity to assist you with superior customer service", but we do hope you would just fuck off already. It's our coffee break and we have a game of dominoes going on.

Sincerely,
Kenny