Friday, October 16, 2009

1977-2009

I sit here staring at the blank screen. My eyes are puffy from the tears that seem to come unexpectedly and in bursts. I'm extremely worried about my friend who is both physically and emotionally much closer to the situation than I am.

I inspect the facts over and over in my mind: A young woman, the mother of a 10 day old baby, takes her own life by throwing herself in front of a train.

I wish I could understand, but I can't. I wish there were answers and not simply questions everyone knows will never be answered, because the only person who could ever answer them is forever gone. Perhaps she answered her questions the only way she knew how.

I want to write something funny and inspiring to make the life without her in it just a little bit easier to face for those left behind. I wish I could. Especially for that newborn soul who will now never know the woman who carried him. I wish there was something I could do.

But how do you do anything normal and everyday after someone decides to end their own life? When someone decides to leave everything and everyone behind. Leave this world and her existence in it.

How she must have been hurting.



Hvil i fred min ven.

27 comments:

Lisa-Marie said...

I think without knowing it, you have written what you want to. You have voiced what those left behind feel, and what they have to come to terms with. Is some ways, to have it said lifts some of the wieght.

I hope you are ok, and I hope your freind is ok eventually. To be there for her to tell you what she feels is all you can do.

Judearoo said...

Christ thats harrowing! Post natal depression thing I take it.

Donno what to say... hope you'll be ok and your friend. xx

Angelina said...

Question left when someone commits suicide are most often left unanswered. To be sure, the pain, and fog which clouded her mind must have been tremendous.

My heartfelt condolence to everyone who is touched by this suicide.

*jean* said...

oo i'm so sorry for your loss...

caroldiane said...

Oh my... I also cannot imagine how much she must have been hurting. Very tragic. Hugs and prayers over the blogosphere to you and your friend who was close to her.

The pale observer said...

How sad and harrowing. I just found your blog through Life in the Expat Lane...

Sorry to hear about this sad story. It's always so hard for those of us left behind.

Cheers
Holli in Ghana

MissBuckle said...

One of my collegues got the same message this Wednesday, and it took me right back to a morning five years ago when my brother called me and told me his best friend had shot himself.

It feels so wrong. So unfair. So against nature.

And it is definitely a nordic thing. I hear about suicides all the time, and have already experienced a couple close to me in my short life.

So sorry for your loss.

xx

Steven Anthony said...

My very best friend in the entire world just ended her journey about two weeks ago, the questions left behind are never ending...the empty spot in our hearts....I feel for this family.

no words.....

ellen abbott said...

I can only imagine it's a pain that those of us who keep living can never understand.

Sarahlah said...

I can only say that I feel for you although we don't know each other and I feel for her and her family. I consider suicide a catatrosphic, accident of the psyche. I hope that doesn't sound glib. To me it is as if the psyche takes an awful fall and carries the body with it.

Loredana said...

I am so sorry to you, to this baby and to the family and friends that have to be the ones to pick up the broken pieces. Words honestly cannot describe what has happened and nothing can erase tragedy.

I just hope that maybe one day, when you're strong enough, you can help this family and her baby make sense of it, even if just for a bit. Even if it's just to explain that it was the mind and the mind is a crazy and f*cked up thing at times!

My prayers go out to you and this family.

Just Jules said...

there is no way to understand. I just hope it gets a bit more bearable with each passing day. A huge loss to the world I am sure.

The Novelista Barista said...

im so sorry for your loss :(

Sara said...

Losing a friend in any way is hard but these particular circumstances must be especially difficult. I'll be sending virtual hugs your way today (and in the coming weeks).

Cyndy said...

*Hugs*

Georgie K. Buttons said...

Oh, goodness. I am so sorry. <3 you.

My name is Erin. said...

Olen niin pahoillani.

marinik said...

oh wow.. there isn't much you can say or do... those questions will never be answered and that will be the greatest of challenges for the family. I'm so sorry.

Josefine said...

So so sad...
Stay strong, my thoughts are with you and your friend.

Mrs.Rotty said...

i sit here in tears too. There is no words to justify what happen or make it magically okay.

just prayers and good thoughts to ease the pain for those involved.

my thoughts and prayers are with you and those directly effected.

spudballoo said...

Oh goodness...this is utterly harrowing to read. PND does have a very extreme version, which is not well understood or documented. The poor girl must have been in terrible emotional turmoil. thoughts and prayers for her, her son, and all her family and friends. And to you, especially. x

histreasure said...

i'm at a loss for words..it's so tragic and difficult to make any sense out of..
i keep thinking of her baby, family, your friend and you..her dreams, hopes, desires and how she must've been hurting..

***hugs***

Erin P said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. In the U.S. we call it postpartum depression, and even though it's starting to become known, most mothers feel ashamed. Maybe it's less known in SA? It's a physical chemical imbalance. I hope when the baby girl grows up you can help her understand that her mother was a wonderful person and it wasn't her fault.

Is postpartum depression even talked about in SA? Maybe someone should start talking.

REGINA GOULART SANTOS said...

That´s a pretty bad situation, isn´it? Who knows what`s wrong with the other´s minds. Somemeone who commits suicide, has something very strange and strong inside that we don´t know very well.
I`m sorry for your loss.

I`m always visiting you. You´re great.
God bless you.
Hugs,
Regina Goulart - from Rio de Janeiro - Brazil.

kristina said...

how terrible - I'm so sorry. hugs xxx

Not So Glamorous Housewife said...

Sorry so late to read this. I'm catching up. I worked in psych for years. I had multiple suicidal patients both real attempts as well as people seeking attention. I once had a patient who had just given birth and out of nowhere developed such severe depression it became psychosis. She was obsessed with death. It wasn't her though. It was her illness. She was lucky enough to have it recognized and treated as your friend did not. I hope you know that it wasn't her. It really is never the person you remember that does this. I am so sorry for your loss. I look forward to better days and good laughs through the tears and fond memories for you.

Cindy said...

Wow. I am so sorry to hear about this. It is tragic and you have my sympathy.