Friday, November 20, 2009

Ousting the ugly stepsister

"Oh Summer, where art thou?" she exclaimed into the frosty air, while wearing her winter coat indoors.  

Just as I, and everyone else in our neck of the sticks of Jozi, finally thought that the summer had come to stay for the entire, well, summer, the big S decided to sneakily abscond overnight and leave us with her unkempt, rainy, cold, and not that nice stepsister, whom I like to call Notmer, in the spirit of that Paris Hilton flick, the Hottie and the Nottie (or something to equally stupid effect), which I will refuse to see until I see Hitler skiing down our driveway.

(HA! The joke's on AH and PH. Our driveway is uphill. HA! Although, it being a complicated wittiness neither of them might get it, in which case the joke is wasted on both Adolf and Paris. Oh well.)

And Notmer, like all ugly stepsisters in the history of fairy-tales, is up to no good. She clearly wants to punish all of us for something horrendous that we've done, and freeze our asses off. Which in theory sounds like an easy and quick way to lose weight, but in practice involves much suffering and a steep drop in the libido department, as no one wants to grab a cold butt cheek, a butt cheek that might come off in one's grasp at any moment, or worse yet, some cold air at where the backside used to be located, only to find the backside on the floor beside the bed, completely out of reach.

Or at least I don't.

So what is there to do to cheer up? To at least warm the brain, if the glutes (as my physiotherapist calls the derriere, and consistently fools me into wondering what that Indian butter-derivative was called again and whether there is any chance that instead of talking about some non-existent muscle on my body, she might have switched to talking about cooking instead, which then turns out to be pure wishful thinking when she stretches my gluteus in a way it wasn't ever meant to be stretched, and just creates despondency on my part and on the part of both of my glutes) are just beyond rescue in the warmth department?

A list. A random list

Of course. When in doubt, what could save the day like a random list of sunny things? Nothing, I tell you. Or maybe a cheeseburger, some wine, and some sun, but writing that would just be facetious. And that is something I just cannot be associated with. I might lose my credibility for good. A credibility I've worked so hard to build and hold onto with my cold fingers as hard as I can.

Ag, shame.

But the list of sunny sunniness:
  • Google (An attempt at suck-up to see whether that does anything for the unfortunate weather. A sort of virtual prayer in disguise. Dear Google, do you really want to see me assless? I think not.)
  • Coffee. Black. First thing in the morning.
  • Brad Paisley
  • Wine and drinking it in good company (preferably with Brad Paisley, but also the Hubby will do, unless his ass has already fallen off at that point). And especially if it happens to be a bottle of Kanonkop Cabernet Sauvignon 2004 which has got to be the best wine ever, and which I still hold 4 bottles of and will only enjoy in my own very good company.  
  • Siri Hustvedt's What I Loved.  
  • Simpsons, South Park, Family Guy, Futurama, American Dad, and all of those bottomless wells of inspiration for a dirty, twisted mind. 
  • Loretta Lynn, the original Coal Miner's Daughter
  • Coffee, especially filter coffee.
  • Puppies
  • Posters of puppies on someone else's wall providing an additional layer of warmth to the basic warmth of puppies, because you will be able to laugh at that person for having one of those weird posters of puppies on their wall, which is just plain old pathetic, if you ask me, and I know you didn't, but when has that stopped me from stepping on some toes, not ever, I tell you.
  • Skype and people, like Ph.D. Mommy, willing to use it to listen to me say "I fokken hate working with people" in severel different languages.
  • Coffee. And plenty of it. 
  • Learning isiXhosa through tweets
  • 3-minute eggs, unless they are organic, because that apparently means that they look like eggs but taste like fish gone bad with a twist of wet towel. #Brandfail Woolworth's (What? I'm not on Twitter? Since when?) 
  • Golf
  • Coffee, and especially lattes.  
  • Blogging about nothing.
  • Elephants. And one rhino.
  • Not having to ever do any math anymore, yet having enough money not to be later pissed off about accidentally tipping someone 124%
  • making pointless lists.
  • The guy who always packs my groceries into my car and his funky hat.
The list is obviously not complete, but I need to pee and that involves removing several upon several layers of clothing and, well, there are no guarantees that I'll soon be back from that journey, so I'll just go ahead and publish, and hope that some of you will be kind enough to list your own sunny sunniness right here on my comments or maybe even on your own blog, or maybe on the phone to your mother, or even Twitter. Who knows? I won't, unless you tell me. And you should.

I'm totally confused now. See you on the other side of the toilet? I guess.


Chef E said...

Ha, very nice read, but you have me dangling at that good bottle of wine, and it is only 9:19 AM here, but 5 o'clock some hwere right!

Fidgeting Gidget said...

Sunshinyness a'la Gidget:

1) It's Friday
2) My wooly shawl that I knit for myself and am finally wearing today in public (after 3 years)
3) The discovery of Fuzion Argentinian wine (a Shiraz Malbec) for only $7.95 Canadian. What a steal!
4) I must agree with Brad Paisley and his little cowboy butt.
5) A weekend full of relaxation, pizza, wine, beer, video games, and movies.

CrazyCris said...

at least you can look forward to Summer... we're heading into the depths of winter up North.. :(

Sunny things?
Dogs playing in the surf
Dancing the night away

sorry, it's too grey outside for me think sunnily right now.

Ellie said...

Food. Sex. Hmmmmmm.... That;s it.

Anonymous said...

good article....................................................................................................

Stephanie said...

I admit to flunking geography in college - but it's just weird to think that part of this world is actually experiencing summer - as my part of the world is skating into winter...

Lisa-Marie said...

If it makes you feel any better, it is fucking freezing here in the north of Scotland too. though perhaps more expected. Tea and cake and scarves are what fix it!

julochka said...

ghee. that indian butter derivative is called ghee.

Anonymous said...