Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Extremely random things.


Getting back to South Africa sans the hubby just to find out that yes, the house still stands, yes, the nice neighbor hauled my trash can to the curb even though I only slipped a note under her door right before leaving, and no, the tree I got for my birthday and that the hubby 'planted' wearing his gardening clothes - his good Vans (Is it against the rules to own 'good' Vans?) and his bestest Diesel (my brother's discards, so we think they're really from Bangkok) - hasn't died and has not even seemingly dried up, was rather anticlimactic. Now, what remains are fingers frozen to the keyboard (glad the laptop tends to overheat so I can warm my hands), and a maid who seems to think I'm evil for having floors, and bathrooms, and having cooked last night.

So not much going on, hey? I've had plenty of time today (hiding from the maid) to wonder very random things. 

Like, why does my new toothbrush immediately look like I repeatedly used it to clean the kitchen tiles, when the hubby's corresponding object is spick for a month? And how does it fit into this equation that the Hubby has far nicer teeth than me? 

Like, why if you want to sell me something from hair wax to auto accessories all you have to do is call it some food name, such as 'fudge', 'banana' or 'vanilla'? Am I a complete sucker for this? Yes, dammit. 

Like, what is it with South Africa's fascination with Italian mockitecture? I mean, painted-on cracks on your house. As if you were smack in Tuscany. Really.

Like, what are the odds of me not drinking a bottle of wine by myself today to 'keep warm'?

Like, if I was given the choice between either posing very tastefully but still nude for Playboy or not so tastefully for some obscure Asian porn-mag no one will ever see, which one would I do?  

Like, why Slumdog Millionaire trumps Q & A? Is it supposed to be oxymoronic fun? If so, it's just sad.

Like, why do the gas station guys always point out that my tires need more air? Are they saying I'm fat, since the car seems fine when I'm not in it?

Like, why is it that my roses apparently died purely from my touch?

Like, why is Madonna so intent on adopting from Malawi again? Is it because Oprah has dibs on South Africa and Angelina on Ethiopia? 

Like, can you rip your tongue off if it freezes onto a metal pole, and you are not able to pee yourself free, like they did on Bucket List? 

Like, every time I google myself do my ears burn, or am I speaking of the devil?    

I think my brain's a little frozen, or melting. You take your pick. 

At least I got invited to participate in a cool project called Balderdash.  


The Fragrant Muse said...

Oh. My. God. You're blog is a riot! It makes me want to run out and buy bad books and redmeat. I lived in Rome for 12 years and SO wish I had blogged about my expat experiences there (nevermind that there was no www until the year I left). Pleased to make your blogqaintance and can't wait to read more! (and yes, I did just invent a word...fitting though, no?)


julochka said...

i love random things, as you've undoubtedly noticed on my blog. as one guy commented, "love your blog, but i'm not sure what it's about." duh. it's random!

i think that you should consider that maybe the maid, unable to spit in your latte, is in fact using your toothbrush to scrub those resented bathroom tiles. but hey, at least you have a maid. me, i just have a cleaning girl who comes once a week for a couple of hours.

i think it's ok to have a good pair of vans that you're breaking in to become your "real" vans, which are usually a bit scruffy. but they all have to start out new, right? unless you pay extra for them at abercrombie & fitch.

it is perfectly acceptable to drink a bottle of wine to keep warm.

and i'd go for the playboy. they're pretty good with the airbrush and i'd definitely need it. my cousin was it in once, years ago. it's the stuff of family legend. the girls of northwest airlines or something like that. i was always a little envious.

and who the hell knows what's up with madonna--is she still going on about that? i thought they rejected her. i'm sure there's a somali pirate or two who would be happy to be her kid. did you see how happy that one was that was being taken for trial in the US! he was like, "SCORE."

happy balderdashing.


Extranjera said...

Liz - Thanks so much! You have your chance now though to take the blog-o-sphere by storm. No need for Italy (at least for me, there is enough of fake Tuscany here to last me a lifetime)!

julochka - I'm trying not to go all paranoid about this maid too, but i kinda share your concern, especially since the first maid I had made me bathe in my own feces.

I'm leaning towards Playboy too, but I would demand no airbrushing, and thus cleverly get out that predicament (it's good to have a plan if you are ever forced to pose for playboy).

I'll get to picking that wine now, since the odds were never gonna be better than one in a billion anyways. I appreciate the support though.

Kristin said...

To jump into the Playboy v. unknown Asian porn mag discussion...isn't there something liberating about knowing that no one you know will ever see the photos? I suppose that it would come down to just how tasteless the photos are. But then again, if the text isn't written in English you'd never be really sure that they weren't mocking your photos. (Like those Asian symbol tattoos people get, how do they know what the symbol really means?) I think I just talked myself into voting for Playboy.

Extranjera said...

Kristin - First, I know a lot of Asians, and who knows what they're up to in their free time...
Still, I also kinda vote for playboy, and am just really waiting for them to ask. I'm a shoe in for their 'corpulent, very pale housewives, who have never shaved their legs in their lives special'. I hope I get to work with Bridgette.

Amanda said...

I ALMOST peed my pants (and I have nice pants on today) reading that!

I hate, hate, hate things that are scented like food in order to get me to buy them. I don't really want to smell like chocolate when I put lotion on. Vanilla beans in my hair? Ick. I stick with floral, or "clean" scents (and really...is fresh mown grass a "clean"?) scent

Extranjera said...

Amanda - Thanks my new balderash-pal. I take almost peeing in your pants as a huge compliment. Pee away!

I'm all for all sorts of stinks myself. A huge fan of perfumes, and if I can mix those with a coconut scented-shampoo, a strawberry-scented lotion, chocolate-scented deodorant (created only for men, the bastards!), while sporting a body mist of some sort, I'm set.
Moderation is NOT my middle name.

Elindomiel said...

Bathe in your own feces? Really? O.O

Based on my own limited experience with Finns, I am tallying up how well you conform to my stereotypes:

Likes Sauna: Fail
Only Likes Natural Scents: Fail
Not Especially Keen on Italy: Pass

:) The comment about Malawi made me laugh too.

Extranjera said...

Elindomiel - Welcome!
Nothing wrong with Italy. Loved Rome. It's just that I'm not a big fan of what some South Africans perceive to be Italian architecture. And I'm pretty sure none of them have ever been there.

I will not get into the feces thing again, it is somewhere in the archives... and perhaps better left there... Ugh...

sour said...

i wonder that about Madonna as well. all three of them, actually. what's so wrong about adopting kids from YOUR OWN COUNTRY?? i'm sure there are thousands of kids who need good hollywood mansions to grow up in right there in the USA

Extranjera said...

Sour - Welcome.

I just really wonder about Madonna, because Malawi is not really open to international adoptions. I like Oprah helping out here in Africa - there is just an incredible amount of misery here. I'm not a big fan of Angelina's professional career (rate tomb raider as the worst movie that I have ever seen and still have nightmares) but admire how she is using her fame and I think it kind of fits her life to have children from all over the world.
It is incredibly good that international adoption exists as there are many countries, like Finland and Denmark, where there are no children to be adopted locally, if you for some reason cannot have your own, but Americans (I think) do have that choice.

Kristin said...
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Anonymous said...

You crazy crazy girl! :-) You think way too much! 'Pöljä mikä pöljä' I'd say in Finnish...

About the tongue frocen to a pole... No, you can not rip it off! DON'T push your luck even if you'd be tempted to (and I can very well imagine you are)! This goes for all of you here! Hurts hurts hurts!!!

Have you tried the chocolate or cola flavour toothpaste? And julochka is probably right about what happened to your toothbrush, hilarious but then again not...

Kieron and Jo said...

Have you done a runner already? Lusaka needs you. Come back, all is forgiven (even the cruel things you said about Lloyd - the singer at Chrismar). And we'll cook you dinner if you promise to do an impression of him singing Jambo.

Extranjera said...

Kirsi - thanks for the heads up on the tongue issue. What are good friends for if not sorting out the mysteries of the universe. Love ya!

Jo and Kieron - I just might be back and take you up on that offer. Unless of course Lloyd is out to get me now...
Lusaka is awesome and lloyd sings well, it's just that it shouldn't sound like he is saying 'tsunami', when in fact he is going for 'you will love me'. How old is he really, I could not get a proper reading on account of the rag he was wearing on his head?

Thanks again for the recommendations. Tried Munda Wanga and the malls, the restaurants at them, some art and had lots of fun. Also went to lake Karibu and experienced quite a hairy tire break. Oodles of fun! Also spent a day watching corn. Calming.

Sushil Menon said...

randomly funny...seriously lot of mirth in ur writing

Extranjera said...

Sushil - Welcome and thank you. I' totally digging the word 'mirth' right now. (It doesn't take much too lighten my day)

corticoWhat said...

I vote for Playboy (I'm a traditionalist) and a nice Peruvian red. You're a hoot!

Extranjera said...

CorticoWhat - I'm just waiting for Playboy to ask, while I drink myself into that toned shape they are looking for...

My name is Erin. said...
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My name is Erin. said...

I'm not really sure why I chose this old post to tell you this story... but it fits since I didn't comment on it previously (in famous mini-blog fashion).

So I had just poured myself a fresh cup of coffee when my daughter started freaking out about something and distracted me from my coffee drinking/blog reading plan. Then suddenly, coffee was nowhere to be found. NOWHERE! I start running around our apartment yelling like a maniac. "Where the FOK is my fokking coffee." (it doesn't count as swearing when I spell it like that, right?) "Am I in some crazy fokking parallel universe?!" Looked in the refrigerator, the bathroom, the coat closet (?), my bedroom, the laundry room, my kids room where my baby was sleeping... nothing! Nowhere! Now I'm frantically running through the house... swear words flowing out of my mouth with repetition certain to broaden my daughters vocabulary.

Finally... look in the microwave. Oh yeah. I was warming it up. I might need some sort of professional help.