Thursday, December 10, 2009

How to end up blacklisted by your workplace security:

By following these easy 20 steps you too can have your name on that special list of difficult and dangerous people at your place of work.

It helps if you are already late on the first day of your assignment. And sweating profusely.

  1. Leave the exact information of the location at home, and instead, whilst telling the guard who to inform of your arrival, call whoever it is that you are there to see by the wrong name. Have the guard wait while you access your hotmail via your cellphone to find the correct name, but only after he has already called another person.
  2. Assume that when the guard, after your arrival has been confirmed, circles behind your vehicle, you are meant to drive forward, and to be ready for the boom to lift.
  3. Ignore his yells as you do this.
  4. When you do realize that what he wants to do is check your trunk instead, in a disoriented panic lift your foot off of the clutch and make the car jump forward making the guard jump also. Avoid the boom by a hair.
  5. Shrug and laugh a little at the other guard peering angrily at you from the booth.
  6. Ignore the first guard's pounding of the trunk and quietly wonder to yourself whether you should unlock the doors or what for the trunk to open.   
  7. Start the car again. Get very spooked at the loud Rihanna song blaring from the loudspeakers. 
  8. Put on the emergency lights while trying to turn off the radio. 
  9. Turn off the radio. 
  10. Finally unlock the doors.
  11. As nothing happens, turn off the ignition and get out to check what is wrong. Remember to shrug, giggle nervously, and look at your watch repeatedly. 
  12. Ignore the people behind you in line honking their horns angrily.
  13. Try the trunk. 
  14. Try the trunk again. More forcibly and with grand gestures.
  15. Stare at the trunk for a little bit until someone honks so long that it begins to annoy you.
  16. Turn to the first guard, stare at him in disbelief, and articulate clearly "For fok's sake, what in the fok did you do," and add for emphasis, should you so feel inclined: "FOK."
  17. Realize what you have just said, smile, shrug again, and giggle more nervously than ever.
  18. Get back into the car and put your sunglasses on. Cower with embarrassment.  
  19. Start the car as the boom goes up. 
  20. Drive out of sight. Quickly. And explain the confrontation to the person who hired you and who wants to know why you're unloading your camera bag, tripod and lights by taking down your backseat, in very different words.  

Sometimes the answer is 'walk'.

12 comments:

Cyndy said...

What is IT with you and security gates? You could write a book on your experiences! I love when you spell out your adventures ~ feels like I am riding shotgun while crossing my legs so that I don't pee my pants from laughing!

Hey, at least you didn't call Hubby to come and open the trunk. You are progressing...

Hope the shoot went well. Can't wait to hear the details...

... daisy... said...

Brilliant! I will keep this in mind! :-D

Optimistic Pessimist said...

do you have to do back to the same place tomorrow? you should bring a bribe next time.

Suecae Sounds said...

It helps if you own a car. Which I don't. So unfortunatly I will leave the novel-writing to you for the moment being. ;)

liisamarja said...

hmm, a lot happens around you...

just wanted to let you know, in case someone hasn't already done it, that we can now buy MIELIE bags in finland in lieto and in the web at http://www.kotiprojekti.fi/SHOP

MTV3's show Tila did a segment yesterday on MUMs and i recognized the bags from your posts

try to hide from trouble

Stephanie said...

That is so funny. Wish you had it on video!

Cyndy said...

Hey, just noticed that you are now reading Joyce. Seems so long ago when we talked about you reading him. I should reread it. Too many brain cells lost since the last time I read it...

Erin P said...

OMG! you poor thing. I'm so glad we don't have that kind of security here, otherwise I'd be just like you. But I may be more highstrung that you, making results much worse.

Vancouver's Enviro Girl said...

I agree with Cyndy! You and security gates are NOT friends. Or even frenemies. You are, however, completely hilarious. Just sayin....

Zaedah said...

I shall work diligently to put into practice each and every steps. And if the handcuffs come out, I shall promptly blame you!

Ellie said...

I'm so grateful to be self-employed. Although that could also be construed as having forty different employers....

kristine said...

i feel like you spend disproportionately large percentage of your time at security gates. ot that i am one to talk.


your photos on flickr are looking really fab, by the way.