Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Nope. Don't get it.

To kick off the midweek in relative confusion, here's some gripe and some appreciation. You decide which is which.

Things that you do, that I don't understand:

House and gardening section:

:: Associate making assorted noises and grunts with giving the impression of being hard at work. No, I don't actually need to hear my coffee cups clinking together and chipping to trust that you're washing them. And you grunting away in the bathroom I will always block out and replace with imaginary birdsong. Always.

:: Think that a roast of anything would ever be okay so soon after the sheer horror of the pork-trauma drama. Have you not learned anything? Was all of my dramatic gagging in vain?

:: Buy a dog (or two) when all you really wanted was one of those tapes with continuous small-dog barking (For what? To scare off someone who already averted armed guards and unspeakable amounts of electricity on top of some serious walls, with a dachshund?) Woof, woof, woof, woof and so on. Now and forever. It seems. Someday, I'm hopeful, it'll be just like white noise to me.

:: Rain on me. Or in the house, which is obviously missing some screws somewhere, or at least insulation. Or possibly a few roof tiles. I'm amazed every single day when I wake up with a roof still meters on top of me, and not suffocating me in my bed. No offense house, but how's about little general maintenance every once in a while? A little less wine and caffeine and some more water and vitamins? Just a suggestion. No need to get hole-ier than thou on me.

The hot beverage and meat section:

:: Diss Starbucks.

:: Seem to feel that smacking your lips after each pork chop is somehow okay, if not a desirable way of showing how much you're enjoying the food, in a five star restaurant. Also, your wife might be carrying a Louis Vuitton, but since the bag is not actually wrapped around my head thus covering my sensitive ears, I can still hear you belch. Loudly.

:: Think that northern Europeans are fine with only being offered tea at a brunch meeting. It's a meeting and it's in the morning for zeussakes! As any team building veteran would say (maybe not exactly, but I'm sure I've heard it quoted as something along these lines...), 'there's no tea in meeting' (the coffee in meeting is silent, but it's definitely there).

The cyber affection section:

:: Not click on this excellent, and very important new blog to see how you can help out. Like, right away.

:: Not write your incredibly beautiful stories more often.

:: Keep 'fixing' your blog to such an extent that it is at the danger of disappearing completely.

The VEGetable section, with a dash of Cyndy:

:: Be able to organize someone's whole house without once trying to 'accidentally' drive all the way home to Canada. "What? My shoe got stuck on the gas. I had no other choice. You know, I could have gone to Mexico and gotten your car stolen there, but I didn't. I was being nice."

:: Have so much stuff such an assortment of exciting things in your house that you need an extended amish family headed by a sock-monkey loving Canadian to sort you out.

The otherworldly phenomena section:

:: Bring up God and Jesus in a perfectly normal discussion like you're just passing on what they said last night when you had them over for some leftover lasagna and a no-nonsense salad.

The outdoor activity section:

:: Look at me sideways every time I spot an antenna camouflaged either as a pine or a palm tree (apparently a South African invention) and yell "Antenna-tree". It's a fun game I and the hubby play on road trips and there really is nothing better to kill time. Unless you count playing I spy on the highway in Free State, which has nothing besides the road, cars on that road, and fields. And there are only so many times you can spy the speedometer and the windshield wipers.

:: Think that fluffy pink slippers are the best choice of footwear for a rainy afternoon. Though they probably do soak up quite a lot of water, seeing as they are essentially sponges covered in towel fabric. A new way to avoid puddles - just suck them up and take them with you with the new and improved Absorba-shoe. Water your plants and still save on your utilities bill. I call patent!

:: Not love golf. My newest divide of people: those who golf and those who should. Come on! Yelling FORE is fun (as is seeing old men and guys with ginormous beer-bellies run around with their hands over their heads, but that's only if your aim is spot on really sucks).

Can you guess what is appreciation and what is gripe? If so, please tell me.

Inexplicable flower. I guess this counts as appreciation, eh?

Have a good rest of the week everyone and do please visit the EduFun SA blog and see how you can contribute. Like right now.


omchelsea said...

Ooh, what's for dessert?!
Seriously, the world is such an inconsiderate place. I've been walking through the contents of my linen closet for DAYS now and have any of my lazy-ass sheets and towels bothered to pick themselves up and get out of my way? NO!

Optimistic Pessimist said...

So the starbucks thing…that was appreciation, right? Appreciation that I used my tiny voice against a major deity to call out free Internet access being denied.

Katherine said...

I found your blog recently and enjoy reading your latest ideas and posts...

And I just gave you an AWARD!

Check it out on my post for today:

Vision in Blue said...

Hi! I just wanted to let you know I love your blog. I have a blog as well, but is, of course, not as great. I'm still pretty new to the whole blogging thing. Tips to make it more awesome (visually and with the writing) would be fantastic. Thanks!

I usually giggle at you posts, so you can mark off one of your to-do's.

caroldiane said...

as usual you introduce me to more and more wonderful blogs - thank you for the links! I am confused though, do you wear pink fluffy slippers? (I am imagining that right now...)

spudballoo said...

Waaaah I think this is one of the funniest things I've read in a long time..

"Bring up God and Jesus in a perfectly normal discussion like you're just passing on what they said last night when you had them over for some leftover lasagna and a no-nonsense salad"

PMSL, love it..

Nomad said...

watch out for aliens. i heard they were moving district 9 to your town.

Fidgeting Gidget said...

This post is hilarious. I laughed at the God and Jesus comment as well as the "accidentally try to drive home to Canada" bit. And I must say that the thought of going on a little hiatus from my relationship with Opie due to her dissing of Starbucks has crossed my mind--several times.

Extranjera said...

Chelsea - I hate it when linen doesn't behave. Ugh.

Opie - Dunno. Like I said. Hurt to the core.

Katherine - Thanks!

Vision - Thanks and no greater science to it. If there were I wouldn't be blogging. At all.

Caroldiane - Nope. That was a fellow person. Next to me. Splashing all over me with her sopping wet slippers. Neighborly.

Spud - Thanks so much. I guess you haven't yet had them over?

Nomad - Really? Because no one, like at all, here in South Africa, has heard of District 9. Like at all.
(and to be nitpicky, my town is where District 9 already is)

Fidge - I know. It's gonna take a lot to forgive Opie