Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Weapons of mass antstruction

How to completely mix up all sorts of allegories and analogies and confuse faithful readers?

I'll show you now-now.

Last night it rained for the first time in what has got to be four months by now. And while rain is generally a good thing in these parts at the moment, since everyone is fairly done with breathing in the red dust of the winter already, and I'm still rooting for the tree the Hubby 'planted' in the garden in its attempts to maintain some semblance of life, rain also heralds other events that aren't something one looks forward to.

Like a massive ant migration. (ants are small, but the migration massive)

Through the sloppily isolated window frames, via the ceiling (they really like dropping down on the kitchen counter from there, which makes me think I'm hosting the ant equivalent of the Cirque du Soleil), and finally into my sugar. In droves, into my organic, cost-me-a-bundle-of-the-Hubster's-hard-earned-moolah (which he apparently is paid mainly for yelling at people over the phone and talking in numbers and abbreviations when we really could be playing golf instead), unrefined brown sugar, which, as it turns out, is in fact Ant Cancun.

Cantcun? No?

That's where they all come to hang out after the long, harsh winter. But they shouldn't. They should just stay were they belong.

"What exactly is the problem?" you might be wondering, "Ext doesn't even use sugar."

Well, it's all about placement.

Huh?

The sugar is placed directly next to, you guessed it, my coffee. And now the trendsetters of the 'vacationing' (They're really looking to immigrate permanently, I just know it. Who wouldn't?) colony are growing tired of Cancun and all of the short and sneaker wearing American tourists, and are turning their brown little heads towards something with a more original, more Mexican vibe, thus eyeing my coffee with glints of originality-cum-mass-tourism in their tiny little ant-eyes.

It's only a matter of time before Cancun gets old and an obscure little island off the coast of Quintana Roo called CafeĆ­na becomes the new in place.

And there will be ants in my coffee. In my organic blend of Ethiopian Yirga Cheffe and Tanzanian coffee.


Ants. Stay where you belong! It's my coffee, and I don't want to share with you!

Shopping list for today:

1 bag of decoy coffee.
1 huge-ass can off either Dyant or Doom, depending on which ever promises more destruction and mayhem. Or which ever one it is that smells like Christmas.

I like it better when death smells like Christmas.

Disclaimer:
If one of you dares to suggest to me to just move the coffee, or makes any mention of a possible ant aversion to said substance, this will immediately lead to said person being labeled as pro-ant, anti-person, pro-antialism, and possibly secretly harboring ants in little ant training camps, where the ants are taught to blend in with people before executing their devious ant-schemes.

I'm declaring war here!

Actually, no I'm not. I'm just policing the globe a little bit. I'm entitled to the coffee after all. Since I bought it, and it keeps me going.

I know. I'm confused too.

13 comments:

baileythebookworm said...

I've heard ants won't go near bay leaf, and they won't cross baking soda (or is it baking powder? I don't cook, so I don't really know the difference); if they are threatening precious coffee, these might help. I had a gigantic ant in my room that actually jumped on me in an attempt to assassinate me and gain access to all of my delicious food and/or coffee (which is the more important item), so the war on ants is in full swing here.

--r said...

ugh. i hate ant migration. luckily we haven't had the flying variety in our house yet. my parents used to get them in their shower. nothing quite so bad as flying ants raining onto your newly shampooed hair and naked whatnots. gross.

Krystal Keith said...

The huzzy regals me with tales of pouring gasoline on anthills and lighting them ablaze....of course in your case you'd have to go search for the ants' home...and find some gasoline...but the image of a fireball of ants is seemingly appealing.

Agent AKA said...

Please save the coffee. it isn't important to help people get through the day.
This made me laugh a lot. Of course, I was reading it in class. Of course, my laugh came out as a snort, and I got three "bless yous".
Also try to to detract them from the coffee by pouring honey somewhere else. Like outside. Then they will know there true place is a land of milk and honey. minus the milk.

Steven Anthony said...

try vinegar...use white vinegar, 80/20 solution with water...spray bottle, spray around were they r comming in....it really works.....if u can stand the smell....but to save the coffee, the smell might be worth it;)

luck

omchelsea said...

yep. stand everything in it's own little lake of vinegar. and for volcanic fun, add bicarb!

caroldiane said...

my husband would join you on your pogram (is that a word?) against ants - he has used boiling water, toxic cleaners and borax in his effort to eradicate the tribes...

kristine said...

me too! its like the national geographic channel inhere.

i liked that cafeina thing. clever girl.

Tara_LB said...

Hi *waves* I've been tagging along for a while now. Ants you say? Get thee to a hardware shop and get either those green round ant traps and put one near where tehy are coming in and another where your coffee is. They work like a charm. There are also a version with a clear cover and red and green bait inside. They also work like a charm. Both versions have the advantage that the dear little bastard take the bait back to the colony, thereby wiping out the nest...muhahahahaha. Ahem. I dislike ants in my coffee too.

Lisa-Marie said...

Salt also works. they dont like it at all. If you put a line of it along your windowsill and where the door is, it should help. I don'tknow how you'd get it on the ceiling though.

My name is Erin. said...

I call our yard the "ant metropolis"

Antropolis? No?

But so far they haven't stepped indoors at all. It's a miracle really, because our yard is home to millions. Easy.

DeepBlu said...

Yeah, I've got the same problem but with fruit flies, which is almost worst because they are impossible to catch :)

JaySparkles said...

I had ants last year. They liked sugar, coffee, catfood and my tea. I did not like looking down at what could have been a tea leaf but was in fact an ant. They also liked my bedroom window.
No solutions though. We moved out and I hope the horrible guy that moved in likes 'em.