Unless this is going on, in which case you'll need to locate the keys first.
1. How much time out of your day do you spend talking to your house?
a) What house? I'm outside all the time, or at work, or at the kids' hobbies, or in traffic, or getting coffee, or... At the moment I'm only on this coffee shop's free wi fi to check the government's most wanted list, because I'm worried about my friend who is internet-dating, i.e. on her way to meet some axe-murderer or at the least a guy who will be wearing a bra and a thong underneath his suit. Yeah. There must be something wrong with anyone trying to find love on the internet. What ever happened to meeting real people? Can I get a triple espresso, please? And make it snappy! I do NOT have all day.
b) That's a silly question! I don't talk to the house. My busy social life on the internet is far too compelling for me to be talking to such inferior beings as houses. Puleeze. Oh, while you're here, please pass me that bottle: I need to pee. LOL. Kidding, but really I can't be AFK right now, so just get a bottle of white from the fridge? Thanks.
c) But the house is much nicer than the fridge who is only interested in getting its last will and testament notarized (I'm getting the gypsy ham), or the washing machine who tried to assassinate me while I was blogging on ARWP. The house is actually quite smart, you know. Only it doesn't like the birds on it, so I've ordered some homemade rat poison for it as a birthday surprise from this cool site I found at 4AM this morning.
2. When did you last cry?
a) I cry every morning. When I get up to go to work. Right in between my morning run and getting the kids off to school. Now, help me look for my keys, please, I'm already late, and I still need to feed the dog and the cat, and I want to stop to get a coffee, pick up the dry cleaning, and get a few things for tonight's adult dinner party/ kiddy sleepover. We don't need babysitters when we've got two working feet, right?
b) I only cry at airports, when the stupid airline insists I don't have tickets for my flight, although if they would just let me go on the internet I could show them my flight details. I mean of course I don't have it on paper, it's all on my fokken 'puter. And what's with not accepting the 'flight mode' as equal to 'switched off', I would like to know?
c) Well, I cried at the funeral of my first avatar, at my first laptop's wake, and while I was tweeting my last respects to MJ. #RIPMJ
3. When was the last time you yelled at someone?
a) Does doing it quietly in your mind at work at everyone, at home at everyone, at Starbucks at everyone, at my children's school at everyone, at the grocery store at everyone, and at the gym at everyone count? I force a smile?
b) Let see... I yelled at my computer today because it kept giving me some stupid error message and then I yelled at the Hubby to come and do something about it. And then I just yelled some to get out the frustrations to do with a missing backswing, and you know, yelled. After that I laughed though, and doesn't that completely cancel out the yelling? Now it does.
c) I never yell, I write in all CAPS.
4. Do you know where your handbag and/or your wallet and keys are?
a) Can you see this thing here on my shoulder? This thing is why I run every morning, and visit the chiropractor on a regular basis. This thing here not only contains my wallet and my keys, but it also contains my phone, my make-up, a first aid kit, a change of clothing, my knitting, a few choice games and toys, tissues, some juice boxes and healthy snacks, my three calendars, some files from work, and some gum. Oh, and these caffeine tablets. They are a godsend, I tell you. A godsend!
b) Let me see... Err.... I know I had my bag last weekend. It was right there on the chair. Let me think.... I know it was right here because I was looking at it while I was browsing Etsy for a cool new one to order. Let me see... Where could I have put it this time? And I'm pretty sure my keys and wallet are in it. I mean, why would I have taken them out? Paypal has all my info.
c) Are they new apps? Ooooh, I must go check right now. They sound like fun! And I must download them before anyone else. To be the first. Yes.
5. Do you remember your address and telephone number?
a) Oh, Come on! What are these questions? Of course I do. I also remember my work address and telephone and fax numbers, the whole family's social security numbers, their telephone numbers, our insurance information, the school's telephone numbers, everyone's birthdays and anniversaries, the numbers of everyone on the PTA, and the homeowner's association. Would you like a caffeine tablet?
b) Paypal does, and whoever wants to call me does (the husband). I have both printed on some cute MOO cards, so I can always look there, and technically I am able to hand out the cards should I meet someone I would like to have my contact information. In theory.
c) My email addresses? Of course. I also remember my blog URLs. Let's see you remember all of yours. Ha, you must be kidding! Who ever heard of having just one blog and just one email? Ha!
Mostly As: Put the axe down. You don't really want to hurt anyone. You're just stressed....
You're a good worker, a good mother, a good wife, a good runner, a good pet-owner, a good driver, a good cook, and a good person. You are just stressed! Please put the axe down, open the door and go IN your house and just sit. Just relax. You don't have to do everything.
Mostly Bs: Maybe, just maybe, you are being a tad too good to yourself. It wouldn't hurt to occasionally press the handle and get some rays, get a coffee that someone else has made, make eye contact with an actual person with real eyes, and feed real fish and not just ones on someone's blog. But, you know, as long as you don't get osteoporosis, or make the neighbors think you've been murdered, you're good. Sorta.
Mostly Cs: Did you know there is a door to this place? It's that rectangular thing right over there covered with cobwebs? Just checking. I think the pasty white of your cheeks matches the black circles around your eyes just fine.