Friday, August 07, 2009

Does this appointment come with a toilet break?

I'm sorry if I'm crossing a line with this one.

Wait. No I'm not.

Read on. It's about pee. Sorta like this one, but more.

Unless you are completely new to this here blog you already know that a) I have very little shame, especially when it comes to what I scribble onto here, and b) I pretty much constantly have to pee, especially if there are no toilets around. It's very la-di-da psychological.

Paradoxically, there is nothing that I hate more than having to pee and not being able to do so other than in my pants, which I prefer not to do for various (I would hope very obvious - no one likes a pee stain) reasons, so I try very hard to avoid relieving myself anywhere else than in an actual toilet. To curb the pressing need I often do a little (I really want to say discreet here, but I'm afraid that would be lying) dance that consists of intricate little wiggles and squirms combined with slight rocking punctuated by subtle jerking movements, and for some very odd reason clenching of the fists. I guess there is no calling it the 'potty dance' once you are over 30 and referring to yourself, but that's what it pretty much is.

"Why ON EARTH would she feel like it would be okay to tell me anyone who ever lived this?" you might be thinking, "Does she not understand that urine is NOT good blogging material?"

Believe me, these thoughts have in fact (have too!) crossed my mind as well, but I always return to this thought, and I do believe I already mentioned it once: a) I have very little shame, especially when it comes to this here blog.

Anyhoodles, onwards from urine and onto my point as to how it exactly is relevant.

Today I went to get my hair cut and highlighted at my local salon. I don't like hair appointments, and for me on the trepidation-meter they rank right up there with going to see a doctor or a dentist. Well, a dentist appointment ranks a little below going to the doctor, but that's only once the 'will I have to undress' variable is factored in.

I said for me. 

I simply hate having strangers touch me. This I often explain with my nationality, and while being a Finn  does clarify quite a bit of how much the term 'my space' meant for me prior to it lending a name to a networking tool (is it a networking tool? I have a feeling it is something much worse), in the end I'm just not one of them tactile people, Finnish or otherwise. However, this salon that I go to is starting to grow on me, and I might even venture to say that I don't completely hate going (Really?). They do have washbasin-chairs that give you a massage. No human touch needed.

The salon's really very fancy and important-like. All of the hairdressers wear black and white (as does the salon), have geometrical haircuts, and wear bright red lipstick. The guy who cuts my hair and is the owner of the place often says things like: "So you're pretty eccentric, hey?" to me.

But he doesn't seem to want to hug me. And that's what counts.

So I would hate for something to happen that would force me to boycott this establishment due to their unethical and/or environmentally questionable practices, which is code for I did something extremely embarrassing and can never go back.

Like doing the potty dance, while I'm getting my hair washed.

Like doing the potty dance, while I'm lying down on the washbasin-chair, getting that mechanical back massage and having my scalp massaged by actual hands.

Have you ever tried dancing lying on your back, while someone is yanking at your hair at the same time as your kidneys (where some of the pee is anxiously awaiting for access into the practically bursting-full bladder) are being poked by metal fingers through your back? And attempting to do so, without giving the poor girl washing your hair, or anyone else looking into your general direction the impression that you are suffering a seizure of some sort, or at least facing some sort of freak problem that requires medical attention?

I didn't think so.

If you would like to refrain from ever having to, commit these points to memory. Now:
  • Do not have 4 cups of coffee before leaving the house and then chase them with 3 more at the hairdressers.
  • Learn to say no to free coffee.
  • Do ask for the bathroom, before the doors to your bladder close, because of it having exceeded maximum capacity.
  • Don't ever think: How long can a scalp massage really be?' Chances are it will be much longer than you think.
  • Learn to block out the sound of running water.
And if all else fails, learn to actually fake a seizure. I hear that if you're having one, it's actually allowed, if not common, to wet yourself.

Right?

27 comments:

Georgie K. Buttons said...

K, that was actually awesome. Thumbs up for the potty dance. And since I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow, I'll keep those tips in mind. :D

caroldiane said...

There was a cartoon series, done by Steven Spielberg (I kid you not)called 'Animaniacs' _ I am sure google will help you find it. One memorable episode which will has become part of our family vocabulary was about a "potty emergency" in which a little mouse/cat/creature that sounded remarkably like Ringo Starr ran through the streets hollering "It's a potty EMERG-ENCY!!" I completely understand! xo

caroldiane said...

Ok, had to add this http://www.amazon.com/Animaniacs-Potty-Emergency-Soft-T-Shirt/dp/B000X97QGE

just so you wouldn't think I made it up... and you could buy the t-shirt!

Cham said...

"The guy who cuts my hair and is the owner"... does he "wear bright red lipstick", too?

MissBuckle said...

I used to be able to do a discreet dance, but after giving birth I totally rock the potty-dance, and I have to refrain from finishing with a MJ-inspired crotch grab.

LordLynxx said...

Oh wow. Sounds pretty uncomfortable, I guess this potty dance thing doesn't apply to guys. The worst case for me is cold sweat and clenched fists, but nothing else that might attract attention.

Lisa-Marie said...

If it makes you feel any better, the first thing I do, wherever I go is find out where the ladies toilet is. I literally have to go every hour or so, and every about 20 minutes if I have had fluid or alchohol. I one had to ask to go during and interview.

I sooo know how you feel!

Eternally Distracted said...

After the hints you left for Mec on my blog I can quite honestly say that next time I hope you pee yourself ;0) Yep, yep, yep ... and that someone in the salon takes your pictures and posts it on YouTube or somewhere equally embarrassing!!

Esmerelda said...

Hahaha! And you know pee is a very popular subject in our house as well. I just have unfortunate luck with public restrooms.

When I was pregnant, I was in Court and couldn't leave. I did the pee-pee wiggle as long as I could and when we finally finished up, I then dashed (or waddled quickly) to the toilet, where I didn't even wait for the door to close before I dropped trou and went.

And yes, it was a public restroom. And yes, someone did walk in.

In my defense, I was pregnant.

Tri Mommy said...

For me, your post was more than timely. Not only did I do my own potty dance yesterday after waiting too long between a doctor's appointment and getting my children from daycare, but my 3 year old twins are potty training and one of them is using it as a control factor and I had to deal with a lot of pee yesterday.

Thanks for making me laugh!!

MeanDonnaJean said...

Just for future reference:

I hear Depends work pretty darn well.

I'm Kim, by the way said...

What does it mean that this made me laugh so hard ... I peed?

kristine said...

i ALWAYS have this problem. I was getting highlights once in a hairdressers in a huge mall, and I had to walk out of the salon, down the escalators, down the corridor and across, WITH foils in my hair and a big black cape, because I so desperately needed the loo. Its a curse.

liisamarja said...

i think i figured out your hometown but a hometown never quite tells what dialect one speaks, that's in finnish, i mean. as you know, savo-people have a way of making everything sound like a joke. they tell your dog just died and it makes you laugh, even if your dog dying really is a sad thing, if you like dogs, that is. anyways, are you as productive when you talk, do you talk all the time or not at all (if you kinda get it all out here)? verbal acrobatics comes to mind...

Kyrie said...

It's difficult to say no to coffee, but I shall certainly try my hardest.

I don't like being touched by strangers, either, unless I must.

spudballoo said...

Whereas I suffer from terminal dehydration. Taking 2 small boys to the toilet with you in public is torment, so I try not to drink at all unless we are home. Seriously. Thus I have a permanent headache and shout a lot.

You just can't win can you? Sigh.

almost70 said...

Oh My Good Lord, I laughed so hard! My eyes were watering, and I was whooping. I'm glad my husband was out. Honestly, you are the Best!

Jude said...

Anyhoodles...hahahaha

Avery K. said...

The potty dance... words of wisdom for ages to come

Bengal Tigress said...

yes, i am a new fan, so thanks for the explanation about your need to pee, lol. loved your blog - hope your hair was worth it (i'm sure it was). if you so feel inclined, do visit me at http://btigress.blogspot.com... maybe look for my rant about sweating (is that in the peeing-is-not-an-acceptable-blog-topic category?) lol

Lorac said...

I have been going for tests at a famous hospital in Canada, Mt. Sinai, for this overanxious need to pee. The "potty dance" has become my friend as a lot of the tests require that you drink a ton of water and then don't pee so they can do ultrasounds and x-rays.

Vancouver's Enviro Girl said...

Pee Pee Dances rock! I do a very good one, if I do say so myself. So much so that I had to have bladder surgery (no kidding) And I too laughed so hard.......I peed.

WV: hylleleg. I often have to hylleleg it to the bathroom doing a pee pee dance when I REALLY have to go.

silknparachute said...

hello, I am still in denial. 6 years ago went to the MD, said I need help with having to pee all the time and he gave me a pill.... after placing a fuller brush in my urethra, with no explanation, and a $380 bill. The pill sort of worked, I was told to drink 8-10 glasses of water a day, which I refused to do, resulting in my mouth becoming so dry I couldn't speak. After 4 months of near silence, I quit taking those pills. For a week thereafter, I HAD to wear something black, or depends, cause the P had no idea that I had a bladder. After a few weeks, back to 'normal' I realized the pill was addictive. Answer was to just figure out how much coffee was too much coffee. Don't go to the doctor anymore. Now, at 51, I have the unique curse of needing to go, getting up to go, and holding it all the way, and then when I SEE the latrine, my mind thinks I am already there. At least my P dance is conducted in private. So not funny, funny.

VaNeSsA said...

OMG! You are so funny! I am so glad I discovered your blog. Who hasn't had something like that happen? I especially like the part about boycotting a business because of their unethical practices!! I am laughing so hard that I am afraid the baby is going to wake up now!! So now you woke up my baby, too! :)

Optimistic Pessimist said...

oh no...not the dreaded pee dance. I always like to stay close to a bathroom. I have shamelessly peed along numerous highways, backwoods, and yards. Sad to say, but when you gotta go, you gotta go!

menkah!! said...

i REALLY like how you write.

SkyeBlu said...

LOL, that was halarious! Does this stuff actually happen to you? Yikes