Does this appointment come with a toilet break?

I'm sorry if I'm crossing a line with this one.

Wait. No I'm not.

Read on. It's about pee. Sorta like this one, but more.

Unless you are completely new to this here blog you already know that a) I have very little shame, especially when it comes to what I scribble onto here, and b) I pretty much constantly have to pee, especially if there are no toilets around. It's very la-di-da psychological.

Paradoxically, there is nothing that I hate more than having to pee and not being able to do so other than in my pants, which I prefer not to do for various (I would hope very obvious - no one likes a pee stain) reasons, so I try very hard to avoid relieving myself anywhere else than in an actual toilet. To curb the pressing need I often do a little (I really want to say discreet here, but I'm afraid that would be lying) dance that consists of intricate little wiggles and squirms combined with slight rocking punctuated by subtle jerking movements, and for some very odd reason clenching of the fists. I guess there is no calling it the 'potty dance' once you are over 30 and referring to yourself, but that's what it pretty much is.

"Why ON EARTH would she feel like it would be okay to tell me anyone who ever lived this?" you might be thinking, "Does she not understand that urine is NOT good blogging material?"

Believe me, these thoughts have in fact (have too!) crossed my mind as well, but I always return to this thought, and I do believe I already mentioned it once: a) I have very little shame, especially when it comes to this here blog.

Anyhoodles, onwards from urine and onto my point as to how it exactly is relevant.

Today I went to get my hair cut and highlighted at my local salon. I don't like hair appointments, and for me on the trepidation-meter they rank right up there with going to see a doctor or a dentist. Well, a dentist appointment ranks a little below going to the doctor, but that's only once the 'will I have to undress' variable is factored in.

I said for me. 

I simply hate having strangers touch me. This I often explain with my nationality, and while being a Finn  does clarify quite a bit of how much the term 'my space' meant for me prior to it lending a name to a networking tool (is it a networking tool? I have a feeling it is something much worse), in the end I'm just not one of them tactile people, Finnish or otherwise. However, this salon that I go to is starting to grow on me, and I might even venture to say that I don't completely hate going (Really?). They do have washbasin-chairs that give you a massage. No human touch needed.

The salon's really very fancy and important-like. All of the hairdressers wear black and white (as does the salon), have geometrical haircuts, and wear bright red lipstick. The guy who cuts my hair and is the owner of the place often says things like: "So you're pretty eccentric, hey?" to me.

But he doesn't seem to want to hug me. And that's what counts.

So I would hate for something to happen that would force me to boycott this establishment due to their unethical and/or environmentally questionable practices, which is code for I did something extremely embarrassing and can never go back.

Like doing the potty dance, while I'm getting my hair washed.

Like doing the potty dance, while I'm lying down on the washbasin-chair, getting that mechanical back massage and having my scalp massaged by actual hands.

Have you ever tried dancing lying on your back, while someone is yanking at your hair at the same time as your kidneys (where some of the pee is anxiously awaiting for access into the practically bursting-full bladder) are being poked by metal fingers through your back? And attempting to do so, without giving the poor girl washing your hair, or anyone else looking into your general direction the impression that you are suffering a seizure of some sort, or at least facing some sort of freak problem that requires medical attention?

I didn't think so.

If you would like to refrain from ever having to, commit these points to memory. Now:

• Do not have 4 cups of coffee before leaving the house and then chase them with 3 more at the hairdressers.
  
• Learn to say no to free coffee.
• Do ask for the bathroom, before the doors to your bladder close, because of it having exceeded maximum capacity.
• Don't ever think: How long can a scalp massage really be?' Chances are it will be much longer than you think.
• Learn to block out the sound of running water.

And if all else fails, learn to actually fake a seizure. I hear that if you're having one, it's actually allowed, if not common, to wet yourself.

Right?