Friday, July 17, 2009

If it wasn't for this here internet...

I would be like an accomplished academic, or a brainsurgeon, or a high-flying executive, or, well...clean and showered every single day.

Or alternatively I would be that crazy crocheting, slightly alcoholic lady, who never combs her hair and tries to give the neighborhood kids suspicious 10-year-old hard candy, that she might or might not be lacing with her own urine.

I just thought I would lead with the respectable options.

As it turns out, there actually is a world out there. No, I am not kidding. You can even enter it pretty hassle free. Just open the one door in you house that normally always stays locked and vupti-doo, you're out in the sunshine putting away that necessary vitamin D. You can also exit through the garage should you feel so inclined. And that you can do with one press of a button. No handle-turning or nothing.

In this world that I speak about, there are people who do things that have absolutely nothing to do with the interweb. And some of them have never even heard about blogging. Hard to imagine, but there are more of them than you would expect. They play golf, go to the grocery store and to the gym and look each other in the eye.

Interesting experience.

Here are some more findings from my days without the all powerful Google, in the real world. You know, the one with the non-photoshopped sunsets.

:: No matter how hopped up on caffeine and internetless boredom you are it is not posssible to single-handedly move a 3-seater leather couch upstairs. Not even if you summon every single Elle Decoration deity there is and call on the spirit of O - at home. And you might end up pulling something if you desperately keep on trying anyways. Just find an internet cafe and relax already.

:: If your physiotherapist begins your session by saying "I just finished a course on aggressive stretching," it is best to hightail it out of there some quick-quick, even if your in-need-of-replacement hip feels like it catches more and more on fire every step you take. On fire will turn out to be a mild discomfort compared to what can be done to a hip by stretching it aggressively. Internet would never do that to you.

:: There is a good chance that a 'mot' can be used as a weapon if the evil-eye looks are anything to go by. What, I ask you, is so wrong with following your maid around and/or sneaking up on her to finally get to the bottom of the mystery of the disappearing wineglasses?

:: No one in the real world appreciates a good joke about corn.

:: For many South African women a workout at the gym entails showing up in full battle gear: the hair, the make up, and the nails, not sweating at all but patting the top of the boobs which are attempting to escape the confines of clothing with a pink towel anyway, and finally bending over in front of the weight lifters. It's easy to feel out of place, unless bending over is your thing. Hmm...bending over or blogging? Tough choice.

:: All food is better if it does not have to be defrosted after an obscenely long unspecified length of time in the freezer. But grocery stores are not fun.

:: A Mac without the internet is just an empty shell of itself.

:: Crocheting can be therapeutical. And you can end up making a blanket that can be used to camouflage a small farm. (from Big Brother satellite)

like so. (You can't see the farm, can you?)

:: Having 'alone' time is fun until you realize that you don't actually want to have alone time all alone, but miss your bleeps horribly.

And yes, today on the 16th July 2009 at 9:16PM, like a miracle my internet returned to me.

I couldn't be happier.

34 comments:

Zakk said...

Your an unpublished author? from where? what age do you write for? quesstions, questions...

Eternally Distracted said...

I discovered blogging two months ago and am now wasting away in a room filled with burnt out cigarettes, cold tea and a partner whose name I cannot remember ...

Juan Pablo said...

I love your writing style! I want to write like that one day... if you have time, check my blog out! I'm an aspiring writer too haha

Georgie K. Buttons said...

So you covered the farm. Well, that's quite an accomplishment. Of course you could have done that much more easily online with a game, you know. ;)

WK said...

I too have recently (been a month or two already - how time flies) stumbled across the joys of blogging (via a university communications projct which I subverted to my own purposes), although God knows I'm still struggling with formatting, HTML (Horrible Time-sucking Masochistic Lingo), etc. Great to see a blog that I can look up to (aka yours). Just for the record, Umberto Eco rocks my socks - check out The Name of the Rose next - although I try to save reading for those horrid times when the internet is not available, to further distance myself from the scary in-your-face realness of reality.
Check out my work in progress: http://weeklywes.blogspot.com/

Judearoo said...

You could always bamboozle the maid into submissive harmlessness by loudly asking 'Hows your Mot today?' every time you see her...

julochka said...

i love that you know the exact time the internet returned. tho' i'm sure you weren't watching and resetting and testing it or anything like that...what with all that real-world interaction and stuff...

julochka said...

p.s. love the crochet thingie. what is it?

Polly said...

Oh no, world without internet?!?! And I don't even want to know about people who don't know what blogs are...

Yes, what is that thingie you crotcheted? It does look like a nice blanket.

Eidothia said...

Tcht! You just lost an opportunity to use that sunblock, wear those high heels and go out to get ur tooth fixed (before the mouse steals it!), and enjoy a hair appointment with a cup of coffee while finishing that novel!

Cyndi said...

Great Blog! And might I say I'm glad your Internet has come back to you for I suspect you were well on your way to covering all of Joburg and possibly Africa, soon to take over the world with all that crocheting. Personally, I prefer blue sky and wispy clouds over my head to varying shades of purple yarn.

JW.BW said...

My first visit to your blog and I love it!! So glad I stopped by!

I am new to blogging, only a few months, but it quickly turned into quite the obsession... Scary, i know, it may someday be a little more distructive and take away from responsible adult things that I should be doing. but its a chance I'm willing to take!!
Jessi

Vancouver's Enviro Girl said...

Yay for the return of the interwebs! Check your email Dude! I sent you the rant of the century :)

WV: Burns (?!) VEG burns with excitement that EXT is back!

photo retouching said...

I love the randomness of the subject in your blog!

kristine said...

great post. this temporary deprivation may have done you good you know - i mean, you are always funny - but extra funny today!

Rohini Prasanth said...

Welcome back. :)
All hail the Internet .....

Fidgeting Gidget said...

Isn't blogging just the best? I can't remember life without it. Or my life without the internet, for that matter.

When I was analog for 8 days last week, I felt like I was missing an appendage. You don't realize how much you miss bleeps until you can't communicate with them!

Glad you're back.

Jonquil said...

I'm an old school blogger that just recently started blogging again. I remember all too well the days when it possessed me and my life. Now days it's just a daily habit. There's still days I burn up the keyboard, but it's not a nightly affair any more. After you've been at it for a while, you'll calm down some, your posts will get more substance, less quantitative and more qualitative. Welcome to the blogsphere! :) Nice meeting you... I'm enjoying your posts so far.

lacherie_17 said...

You are sooo funny! I'm always suspicious of the old ladies who smell slightly off and always have old-looking hard candy...I think they have a hidden agenda! lol

Keep writing! I love coming to your page--you make me laugh. XO

gymnstxlvr said...

nice...


faith
dazeoffriendz.blogspot.com

lyndseywiley said...

It all makes sense now... I thought that hard candy tasted funny... I thought it was the distinct taste of age, but now I'm beginning to think it may have been a hint of extract of urine... ewww.... No wonder I rarely get sick... Thanks for the entertainment :o).

oOSpic said...

Haha I love the touch you add to your writing- whenever I try to write a new blog I blank out and have like a mental breakdown :l

Ratnesh said...

Its can't imagine life without internet though I am new to blogging. Nice post.

Laila Of Course! said...

YAY! Finally, your internet came back! :) Congratulations. And I love the small farm now. It looks very very warm.

armyblond said...

blogging has become my new diary. Now I can share my deepest darkest secrets with everyone, but they never have to know who I really am!

Still love your blog, missed you these past few days ... wishing you better luck with the "internet gods" in the future :)

J. said...

The way you feel about your internet and blogging is about the same I do about reading. I can't function without a book. I don't like life outside of reading. Its weird and people don't understand my referances to Heathcliff or Shiloh Irons. The only way I could seem normal would be to fall into the Twilight Fad... And I'd rather not admit to that.

But yes. Glad you got your internet back :) I've just discovered your blog and am liking it a lot :)

Just me said...

So glad - now the world can return to normal. I think you should write a screenplay for a movie of this ''trial real world'' experience that you've had. Would be terribly amusing seen thru your eyes. Whoever would play you?

but now...looking fwd to the next post of course.

Be well.

Flordesteva said...

"clean and showered every day..." don't go that way...because of that stupid habit of showering every day I fell in the bathtub yesterday! Right! Now I'm all bruised and wasted a lot of water while trying to get up...There will be no shower till it rains again!
In this part of my Portugal water is too much precious to waste on bathslee(i)pers!!!!!!!!!!!

Flordesteva said...

what is that crochet thing? it looks like a damage planet! :) no ofense!

Carleigh said...

I have to say, i absolutely love how you write. It's great, because you get the age of technology right there on the nose.
Excellant work!

The_Beautiful_Disaster said...

Your serious. Theres a world out there of people that dont know what a blog is? Wow. And i thought my life was incomplete without an ipod, but no blog.. i could not imagine it.

The Redhead Riter said...

Stopping by to give a little blog ♥

I enjoy your postings.

Evil Eye said...

Just be sure to stay away from the Evil Eye!

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