Or alternatively I would be that crazy crocheting, slightly alcoholic lady, who never combs her hair and tries to give the neighborhood kids suspicious 10-year-old hard candy, that she might or might not be lacing with her own urine.
I just thought I would lead with the respectable options.
As it turns out, there actually is a world out there. No, I am not kidding. You can even enter it pretty hassle free. Just open the one door in you house that normally always stays locked and vupti-doo, you're out in the sunshine putting away that necessary vitamin D. You can also exit through the garage should you feel so inclined. And that you can do with one press of a button. No handle-turning or nothing.
In this world that I speak about, there are people who do things that have absolutely nothing to do with the interweb. And some of them have never even heard about blogging. Hard to imagine, but there are more of them than you would expect. They play golf, go to the grocery store and to the gym and look each other in the eye.
Here are some more findings from my days without the all powerful Google, in the real world. You know, the one with the non-photoshopped sunsets.
:: No matter how hopped up on caffeine and internetless boredom you are it is not posssible to single-handedly move a 3-seater leather couch upstairs. Not even if you summon every single Elle Decoration deity there is and call on the spirit of O - at home. And you might end up pulling something if you desperately keep on trying anyways. Just find an internet cafe and relax already.
:: If your physiotherapist begins your session by saying "I just finished a course on aggressive stretching," it is best to hightail it out of there some quick-quick, even if your in-need-of-replacement hip feels like it catches more and more on fire every step you take. On fire will turn out to be a mild discomfort compared to what can be done to a hip by stretching it aggressively. Internet would never do that to you.
:: There is a good chance that a 'mot' can be used as a weapon if the evil-eye looks are anything to go by. What, I ask you, is so wrong with following your maid around and/or sneaking up on her to finally get to the bottom of the mystery of the disappearing wineglasses?
:: No one in the real world appreciates a good joke about corn.
:: For many South African women a workout at the gym entails showing up in full battle gear: the hair, the make up, and the nails, not sweating at all but patting the top of the boobs which are attempting to escape the confines of clothing with a pink towel anyway, and finally bending over in front of the weight lifters. It's easy to feel out of place, unless bending over is your thing. Hmm...bending over or blogging? Tough choice.
:: All food is better if it does not have to be defrosted after an obscenely long unspecified length of time in the freezer. But grocery stores are not fun.
:: A Mac without the internet is just an empty shell of itself.
:: Crocheting can be therapeutical. And you can end up making a blanket that can be used to camouflage a small farm. (from Big Brother satellite)
like so. (You can't see the farm, can you?)
:: Having 'alone' time is fun until you realize that you don't actually want to have alone time all alone, but miss your bleeps horribly.
And yes, today on the 16th July 2009 at 9:16PM, like a miracle my internet returned to me.
I couldn't be happier.