Saturday, July 11, 2009

What not to do

when heading out to the O.R. Tambo International Airport in Johannesburg, South Africa.

NOT the car I was driving to the airport. Just the only picture of a car I had, which was a little surprising. She is a beaut, though.

It is morning and you are arriving by car. Perhaps you are headed to the airport to pick someone up, perhaps that special someone, your chosen partner in life. Naturally, you are simply super-mega-excited. He was, after all, gone for three whole days. You are just giddy with excitement. That is easy to see.

That's why you stayed up until 2AM, drinking a bottle of Pinot Noir and watching extremely bad television. That's why you hit the snooze button three times in the morning, before finally getting up. And that's why the first thing you do, instead of taking a quick shower, is turning on the computer and sitting on the upstairs couch in a towel to surf the internets. And, most of all, that's why you need to wait for the coffee and even eat a couple of eggs before running (and I use this term extremely loosely) into the garage.

Giddy, giddy with excitement.

But first things first:

:: Don't leave your keys on the dining room table and then try to back out of the garage without opening the garage door with the remote that is attached to the keys waiting patiently on the dining room table. You'll also need those keys for the first gate. They are your house keys, keep them with you.

:: Don't act like a moron who has never driven a car before. You can do it. You're a smart woman and you might not be able to park the monstrosity, but going straight is your forte.

:: Don't stop in the middle of the road, even though you're still within the estate, to clean off that glob of goo (very likely to be snot) from the sunglasses. Just take them off. Later on it'll be easier to clean that goo off of the sunglasses than the black cashmere sweater. Believe me.

:: Don't speed even if your foot falls asleep on the pedal if you're 'only' going 80 (of them kilometers, not miles) on the highway. This will only force you to break like a maniac every time you think you see a police car, because you still haven't gotten around to getting that international driver's license and technically you are not allowed to drive in South Africa. Well, it has only been a year.

:: Don't accidentally change lanes because you're too busy picking your nose to watch the road. You'll just freak yourself out and wonder how you managed to stay on the road. And then you'll just think of accidents and the moronic behavior worsens.

And don't forget the most important thing:

Once you actually get to the airport, once you've followed the signs and gotten off at the right exit, and you can see the entrance and all of the planes even, remember this one thing. This is quite essential. In fact this is the thing, the key, to what not to do when you're picking up that special someone up at the airport.

:: Don't drive through the entire airport and pass several parkades with signs flashing 'OPEN' looking for that elusive parkade 4, that possibly doesn't even exist, only to end up accidentally exiting the airport, and on the road heading to downtown Johannesburg. That will just lead to panic, illegal U-turns at shady industrial areas, and complete blanking out regarding the final parking spot of the vehicle, unless "somewhere at the airport" counts.

This is quite essential. And can make or break an airport run.

28 comments:

Rohini Prasanth said...

hahaha.. amazing the way you can look at any situation and create humor.

btw, you are much wiser than I am - for I once left my keys inside my two wheeler's storage section which self locks under my seat. And that too on a sunday, at the end of the day and with no one around my college campus.

I had to walk all the way to a mechanic and beg him to come with me and retrieve those keys..which he did only after a huge incentive of the monetary kind (huge with respect to student pocket money :( )

Thank you for this ''look on the bright side, the light side'' post.

BardSpeaks said...

Can't wait for your next post:) Keep 'em comin'!

Avantika A. said...

hahaha. Just got to your blog a couple of days back and now i have it on list of blogs to read everyday. :)

Love it!

spudballoo said...

Fantastic, so funny....particulrly enjoyed the snot on cashmere vignette....

Angelina said...

Don't tailgate the car in front driving the speed limit. And as you are passing, Do Not give him a dirty look, the kind of look that says you moron can't you see I'm in a hurry here! And as you are passing, giving him that dirty look, you might notice he is in uniform. Police uniform that is.

Don't do that, you could just save yourself missing your plane, and an expensive ticket. If only you didn't give him that dirty look.

Toni Rose said...

LOL!!! I AM BAD WITH DIRECTIONS AS WELL!

even though i already know the way and i have been there for a gazzillion times (like school) I STILL GET LOST! ARRR...

i will keep this in mind.. and my dad will kill me if i crash the garage door. good thing my remote is already attached on my whachamacallit mirror thing...

will keep this in mind when i pick up my hubby to be in the airport too... he's been gone for 2 months now :(

Toni Rose said...

by the way.. atleast you leave ur keys at home. I LEAVE my keys inside the car! :D

Judearoo said...

Admirable public snot pride... :)

julochka said...

i'm picturing you in the pink ride. it's a classic.

Cyndy said...

I just avoid all of this by simply losing my keys all of the time...

B said...

This is why I don't drive! You should totally get a pink car like the one in the photo!

ellen abbott said...

Thanks for this. I needed a little humor after crawling around in my attic looking for the leak that was dripping through my ceiling and all this before coffee.

Jen said...

I refer you to my favorite cartoon of all time on this very specific topic.

http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/021106/oh-god.gif

Argent said...

Also, do not drive on past the police car which is stopped and patiently waiting at RED traffic lights, don't do that.

Sandy K. said...

What a delightful,LOL post. I am now addicted to your stories. When will your book come out?:)

By the way - I assume you finally found your way? Mission accomplished? How long did he wait?

Flordesteva said...

Maybe you'll answer...not important!
just want to say the same often happens to me... not picking someone at the airport...just losing all the exits... well eventualy I find my way back. In the meantime I enjoy the ride...
thanks for your own writing style:)

gymnstxlvr said...

Oh. Wow....good tips......also wait for someone (if you forget your keys) that has a spare. Do NOT break the back window on your house...


faith
dazeoffriendz.blogspot.com

Vancouver's Enviro Girl said...

Dude, hil-frickin-arious is all I can say!

Natasha Call said...

Super blog! I enjoy the candor (if I even spelled that correctly). I'll have to read more posts that you've done. Great stuff! Inspired Lemonade.com

Marc said...

Hahahah a great blog post - nice bit of humour for a Sunday morning read!

Extranjera said...

Hi y'all,

I really do enjoy your comments ('ceptin the ones who actually suggested that I would ever own a powder pink Chevy, mine would of course be mint green. Don't do pink, unless it's chock - you know who you are you evil peeps ;o)

I also loved all of your suggestions on what not to do. There is so much to think about when one is out there on the roads, and a lot of it is indeed police-related. Sadly. And I haven't even gotten to sharing my adventures with you regarding the corrupt police force of Mexico. There are definitely some survival tactics there to look at...

Thank you for reading and commenting. Y'all make my day, every day ('cept for you evil peeps talking about the Chevy of course...)

Finnish hugs all around (i.e. a polite handshake, and no eye-contact)

My name is Erin. said...

I would Finnish-hug you any day! Another hillarious post. And I took notes. * Do not put pink pig in window of pink car * Check!

iasa said...

ah, such timely advice as i have to go to the airport this week. Thankfully i won't have those issues, as there are only three freaking major roads in the county, although there is a chance i could go round the roundabout to much and drive into the Gulf of Honduras, but avoiding that little pitfall, paking will be easy, easy as there is only one car 40 car carpark at the airport. But we;re international baby.

Optimistic Pessimist said...

shady industrial areas scare me...i got tricked into watching Hostel once and I've never been the same.

Alexis BreAnne. said...

I do believe you and I would get along quite well.

Jen said...

:) love your perspective and tone.

Finish your novel, and let me know so i can read it! I like how you use words - that sounded lame. Oh well.

Ranger said...

Damn girl. Your doing great! Keep um coming, and if you have a chance, maybe you could check mine out!

M.J. said...

Sounds you're lucky to have made it! I always drink excessively before flying..