Friday, July 10, 2009

I'm an embarrassment to myself. And proud of it.

I had a post all thought out and ready to be spilled onto the internets when I got back from picking up the hubs at the airport this morning.

And then the internet died.

Yes, the already spotty and slow connection that unfortunately shadows the brilliance that otherwise is my hermit existence (Ja and ag man, leaving the house is just such a hassle most times, what with needing to lace up the Converse and everything. Ja), just up and died. Completely. No heartbeat. No fog in the mirror.

I came apart at the seams and pulled at my hair, and threatened the hubby with divorce unless he wiggled his nose, banged with his hammer, clicked his heels, smote with his magical viking axe (Ha ha. Insert a very, very dirty joke here.), or whatever it is he does whenever I have one of my meltdowns, otherwise known as airing out my inner 6 year old, and made the internet come back to life. Right at that instant.

And then I made lunch. Because all of a sudden compulsively pressing the 'refresh' button got me nowhere else than staring at a screen which bluntly told me "you are not connected to the internet." No madam or nothing. The nerve. And I found myself with actual time. To do something.

While I was making an exquisite gourmet creation known as 'Broccoli salad' requiring all of 6 different ingredients and containing less broccoli than bacon, I started to think how completely and utterly helpless I am with a lot of things and how I really should be embarrassed and perhaps learn a few skills.

But then I thought: "Nah, I'll just share my embarrassment with the peeps reading my blog. Ag ja, that sounds like a fokken good idea. See. If I really wanted to I could learn all this shit. I'm just choosing not to. Ja, smart woman, I am. Oh, I's so capable and clever..." And that's pretty much how it continued until the internet magically reappeared (after the hubby had yelled at the managing director, and lied through his teeth about our place in the South African society [Madiba says hello], and the amount of influence we wield on a daily basis), and I had a list in my head of all of the things a grown person like myself, and a self-proclaimed feminist to boot (although I might have to read the current rules again, I'm not sure I quite qualify) should really be able to do. All by herself.

Here is a small selection of things I should probably be on top of, but I keep ignoring because I'm having way too much fun in the blogosphere:

:: My taxes. A grown-up with practically no income should be able to file her papers all on her own. Especially since they come 'pre-filled' and accompanied by an envelope with postage already paid. However, I resorted to Skyping my dad, exchanging at least 10 emails with him, some throwing around of said 'pre-filled' papers in anger, and a few frustrated tears while kicking at a non-functional printer, before writing down any semblance of numbers. In the end I couldn't even find a mailbox to mail the letter. Instead, I left it in the care of a smiling guy at one of the PostNet companies here in my hood. I'm pretty sure he was employed there, and he promised to post it for me. The company's name does have the word 'post' (not to mention the always comforting 'net') in it. I should be good, right?    

:: My Mac. It would only seem logical that since I chose to get a Mac instead of a PC, I would also learn to use it. Yes, it would seem the logical thing to do. But that's not how things have worked out in real life. Don't get me wrong, I love my Mac and now hate it if I have to use a PC, and can never go back again. Never. And this is perhaps wherein lies the problem. I don't like technical-y things to change. It rattles me. I want all icons in their assigned places (Hear that Hotmail, Facebook, Google, Blogger, Gmail, Twitter, etc!). I'll move continents at the drop of a hat, but you change the place of the 'inbox' button and I'm a stressed (heavily-drinking) mess for days. And then I yell at Hubby. 'Cos he's there.   

:: My car. It's still broken. And it'll stay broken until the Hubby decides to deal with it. The most that I'll do is perhaps every now and then sit behind the wheel, try and start it and constitute that no, the car still hasn't fokken fixed itself. Damn useless piece of metal, and weird 80s inspired seat-covers.

:: My internet. Yes, up to Hubby. Apparently crying by yourself and drinking does nothing to get it working. Not. A. Thing.

:: My finances. I have no idea what's going on there. Before Hubby came along, I barely had a bank account (started by my dad I suspect), I didn't have insurance, I didn't have credit cards, I didn't have 'investments'. And now I suspect I do. I know I have credit cards. because they reside in my wallet, and there must be an account somewhere because the credit cards (for the most part) work. And I do believe I'm even putting money away for my pension (I know, I know, we've been through this before, make your jokes already and be done with it... Yup. Retiring from what?!?! It's getting kinda old). So I might be able to afford an airplane, but I could also be at the brink of financial doom. I'll never know. Since the credit cards don't talk. Yet.

If they one day find me in this state in my house, then you know I had life insurance as well. Which island will the Hubs be buying, I wonder?

Aren't you just a little ashamed to hang out with me now? I probably should be.

25 comments:

kasabiangirl said...

The hubby has a tough job there...I wonder how he handles your extraordinary meltdowns..thank god you are entertaining and fun :D

Vancouver's Enviro Girl said...

Yep, pretty much me, in a nutshell. Hubby is the go to guy. Except for organization. Then I'm your girl.

Zara said...

Well, don't we all have our own things? My list would start with math (calculating shopping discounts barely doable, rest by lottery), kitchen knifes (ends up blood everywhere, luckily? my own), sending text messages with a regular mobile phone keyboard (kind of expert of the area but no, qwerty is needs to be),... Just (one of my favorites too) not everyone is sharing those.

B said...

At least, you cook (even if it's broccoli salad!) and crochet, and we know (because we SAW) that you have a very special talent... I think you're fine!

kristine said...

i am a lot like this, however sadly I am not married. So as you can imagine my life is less than orderly. I have a drawer for instruction manuals of various kinds. I never look at them (although note I always keep them.) From time to time I resort to ordering "[insert skill here] for Dummies" from Amazon, and then when it arrives I put it in the drawer with the instruction manuals.

Optimistic Pessimist said...

You don't really need those skills here in the blogosphere so i think you'll be ok...no need to waste precious time learning those uselss skills when you have hubbs.

ellen abbott said...

I have one of those lists.

The cell phone...I can make a call and answer, everything else gets handed to Husband.

The camera...I can take a picture, any settings that need to be changed, give it to Husband.

The DVD player...I don't even try, hand the remote to Husband.

lacherie_17 said...

Wow...I have had one of those days before, and I find it helps when you let your inner 6 year old throw a good tantrum every now and then! Your blog is funny and I'm glad I stumbled upon it.

If you get a chance, please check out my blog...I just started it and it'd be great to have at least one reader who is A.)Not me, and B.)Not me. It's called "Butterflies and Hurricanes" and the url is http://lacherieandme.blogspot.com
Thanks, and please keep writing!

Suecae Sounds said...

This is funny on so many levels I think it should qualify you to a "get out of any problem with regards to money-card". They are rare and exclusive, but they do exist!

Kaotic said...

A song for your supper, m'lady!

Oh no, not you,
You will survive,
As long as you can say you're proud
Embarassements - no strife,
You've got blogging on your mind,
so hubs will have do just fine,
and you'll survive
You will survive! ;-)

iasa said...

Are you sure screaming at the internet doesn't make it work? Cuz that's how come I am able to comment here. I got some mad internet screaming skillz. Can't no one humiliate the internets like me.

Also what are these finances you speak of?

Angelina said...

And you say you don't have skills, you've got your hubby trained just the way you want.

And you make scores of people laugh with your blog. I was worried this morning when I sat down with my tea, prepared to be amused. And to my utter dismay you had not posted. I sat there, and thought the world is just not right, anymore.

Thankfully I saw your tweet and all was well with the world again.

Cheex said...

I just started blogging today. coz i have just been feeling like such a waste lately. Good to know I am not alone. I feel like i should be doing so much more with my life... but here i am whiling away all my time.

spudballoo said...

LOL, I think this is my favourite and my best post of yours thus far. I laughed all the way through..WITH YOU of course, not at you.

for myself, hmm, well I must confess to being very organised, and I am 'in charge' of the Spud lives including all finances etc. MrSpud barely knows who we bank with, seriously.

Stuff I can't but should do;

1. Cook,MrSpud does it all
2. Have any interest in current affairs etc, MrSpud attempts to educate me.
3. have any control over my temper, MrSpud attempts to moderate it
4. Control the amount of time I spend on the internet, MrSpud has long given up trying to contain it.
5. Take the rubbish out. I think I'm allergic to it? So it's MrSpud's job.

I could go on, but it's not that interesting?

rxBambi said...

I think my skills are on par with yours. Not sure what I did before husband got here to take care of my issues. Hopefully I won't have to remember, I'll just nod and wave and ask for another glass of wine...

MeanDonnaJean said...

"Aren't you just a little ashamed to hang out with me now?"

Are ya kiddin' me? Hell NO, woman.....all that just makes ya even more damn appealin' than ever!

Not So Glamorous Housewife said...

My husband has somehow quietly accepted my computer junky state since I claim to make a little money at it. Good men are soooo good. (insert other dirty joke here) I am kind of enjoying my new hanging out blog friend. You have recently made me feel normal with all of your honesty. Its like reading about myself, only in South Africa. Outstanding.

gymnstxlvr said...

ur hilarious.

dazeoffriendz.blogspot.com

My name is Erin. said...

Holy cow! 918 Followers?! I'm guessing no one is ashamed to hang out with you now. :)

Josefine said...

it's funny, i don't remember hacking into your blogger account and writing this post. i do apologize though...

BardSpeaks said...

Your blog is a feast to tired eyes and a dead brain!
Keep writing!
Cheers!

Argent said...

I speak as someone who cannot (and probably never should be allowed to) change an electrical plug. My husband is a whizz with electronics/electricals but everything else is down to me except the TV/Sky+ box/DVD recorder, which is set up and inter-connected in such a fiendishly complex way that when I try to record a TV show, the Space Shuttle gets launched.

Greatly enjoying the hanging out.

sits_on_the_fence said...

laughing a lot at the moment.. stumbled on ur blog this morning.. had to go through a lot of crap to get here so it was good to find something worth reading!

bit worried about me though ... are all blokes supposed to be good at this stuff? is so my wife picked a dud!

halı yıkama said...

woww, beautiful blogger

armyblond said...

I would worry so much about the taxes, Mac, internet, etc. Sounds like you have more than enough time on your hands to write about 'em, only a matter of time before you actually get to them ...
right?