Friday, July 31, 2009

In which universe tells me not to bother

So immediately after getting all holier-than-thou on my last post, and wildly galloping around on my high horse, I decide it is time to delve into some very important research:

Aircraft seat width and pitch.

Yes, in a little over a week I'll be off to sunny and warm (I think and hope, since I haven't actually looked into the situation and am going purely on stereotype here) Albuquerque, New Mexico, United States of America. To visit my best friend from Mexico, Gringa, and her husband.

I'll also be lunching/having coffee with the lovely Kim of Helitrollop, unless she decides to back out. She still might, and well, I can be scary. Especially if one focuses on that weird jumping video on the Blog Camp blog in which I may or may not be threatening to kill someone. I have no recollection of making said threat, but there it is on tape. Scared Kim?

Anyhoo, in order to get to Albuquerque from Johannesburg I need to sit on a plane for 16 hours, on the first leg of the journey.

Let's take a moment to hyperventilate. And utter in a tone of incredulity: "for fokken six fokken teen fokken hours?"

As you all well know, my traveling karma bites, and sucks, and blows, and likes to kick me especially when I'm already delirious from lack of sleep and have not eaten in days, or at least for hours, and when I haven't packed any painkillers or my toothbrush in the hand luggage. Traveling karma also sneaks up on me when my credit cards have expired, I have no money on me, and no working and/or charged phone.

But the one thing that it all boils down to, the one thing that makes traveling on an airplane hell for me is the seat. I have come to realize that in the end I can take a multitude of crying babies, dead-goat smelling people, being ignored by the wine-dispensing flight attendant, and all other kinds of evils related to air travel as long as I can sit comfortably and read my book a little bit, before sleeping for the best part of the journey.

So I decide, this time around, at least I can be prepared and know where I'll be sitting, and in what kind of an aircraft.

Hence the search for aircraft seat width and pitch.

This is where my day and my desire to be prepared take an ugly, ugly turn.

After reading a few pages, I start to panic. I count the days left before my journey. Then I enter a different Google search:

buttocks thighs smaller in 10 days

I get in my workout gear and put on my sneakers, while almost simultaneously hopping on the elliptical machine that has stood completely immobile since it was unpacked from the container upon the arrival of our stuff to South Africa.

I begin to push with my feet.

Nothing happens.

I push a little more, and finally a screeching sound emanates from somewhere in the machine. I push still a little more and slowly get the pedals to move amidst a concerto of metallic sounds coming from the belly and the joints of the machine. The display, however, remains completely dead.

I push a few buttons. Nothing happens.

I knock on the display. Nothing happens.

I get off the machine and kick its side. Nothing happens.

I circle around the machine in search of a more efficient spot to kick, and then I see it. The display takes batteries.

I run downstairs to find batteries. "This is sorta like exercise, right?" I think whilst I rummage through drawers and drawers filled with items I did not realize we own, until finally I unearth some batteries in the kitchen.

I attempt to remove the plastic back of the display to get to the batteries. The plastic doesn't move, but I break a nail.

I attempt to remove the plastic covering the batteries again, this time with a key. The back opens and I manage to hit myself in the cheek with the key. After the initial shock resulting in giggles, I realize that I missed my eye by half an inch. Suddenly I don't feel like laughing so much anymore.

I forcefully remove the batteries from the display and replace them with the new ones. I hop back on the machine without bothering to replace the cover, which turns out to be okay, because I have stuck one of the batteries in the wrong way round and need to hop off and turn it around.

Finally the display comes to life with various beeps.

I hop back on the machine and begin to push with my feet. The display flickers 0.00 and I push harder. Again, the machine creeks into motion.

I begin to set the intensity level when the loudest sound so far startles me. It is coming from the joint of the right pedal.

As the right pedal slips out of its supportive upright shaft I lose my grip and plummet alongside the right pedal. And as gravity does its job, landing painfully on my hands and knees, I hit the ground.

And this, my good folks, is when I finally come to understand that the universe is telling me loud and clear not to bother.

It's only for 16 hours, right?

But I only eat this stuff, dangit!

Have a lovely and injure free weekend! I'll see you on Monday again, if the elliptical machine doesn't put me in the hospital meanwhile.

24 comments:

javierandres said...

Great post!

Vancouver's Enviro Girl said...

See, the Fridge got to the elliptical thing and talked him into the suicide pact as well. I tell, you, you have a revolution on your hands!

I'm Kim, by the way said...

You think that scares me? Ha. Coffee / lunch / bandages are on me. :)

Remind me to tell you when you get here about what happened when my hubs advised me to try going *backward* on the eliptical.

Can't wait!

monica said...

I quite like your perspective of looking at things, the travel karma, aircraft seats and exercise stuff.
Follow the don't bother universe thing.
My wishes for that 16hr ordeal.

spudballoo said...

Oh you do make me giggle...[laughing with not at you of course, to be clear]...I am thinking, um, a list of important items to have on your person whilst travelling might help? money, functioning credit cards, mobile which is charged up, wine, valium, more wine etc?

Also, v jealous of you meeting Kim. I have stalked her ruthlessly on her blog and yet she doesn't seem to want to come to BC 2.0? I cannot fathom why....

Laila said...

Hahahahahah, love the post!! ANd yeah, I suppose if you only eat sushi that that is alll righhht.
Be sure and pop by & leave a note & follow! I am also having a giveaway, so enter! It would really make my day.

-Laila
www.randomweavings.blogspot.com

omchelsea said...

Ye gods, I'm six hours away from getting on my flight. WHY did you have to post this?! WHY?! I don't even know what an elliptical crosstrainer looks like! How big ARE my thighs anyway? And the seat? will I fit? What about my laptop and my ipod and my book and my violin and my very, very important blanket????!

LordLynxx said...

Actually, the seats on an airplane are really big. I'm sure you meant it in a sarcastic manner when you said you can't sit in them comfortably. :D

Sushi shouldn't be containing too many calories, shrimp tempura roll has about 500cals and the others are maximum 150-200cals. The mean part of sushi is the rice, with its carbohydrates, but you can still enjoy a good sashimi. Not to mention that seafood is easy to digest.

As for the work out machine, please always refer to a physical or online manual before attempting to fix it or change batteries in it. You can avoid injuries, you don't risk eyes and nails. Believe me, google doesn't want her subjects to get injured, thats why she offers so much information available.

Hope I'm not treading dangerous waters, I'm thinking about your safety. XD

ellen abbott said...

Funny post. I'd love to travel to far away places like Africa, australia, New Zealand, Japan but the 16 - 24 hours on a plane seems to be the deal breaker. Have a good time in the US and yes, no fear, it is quite hot where you are going.

MissBuckle said...

Flying home yesterday I felt the same way. So today I bought tons of blueberries and raspberries at the supermarket. They'll make me slimmer. For sure.

I'm Kim, by the way said...

I want to come to Blog Camp! I'm itching to! Dying to! Please let there be a 3.0.

Sorry to hijack to address Spud.

Pattern and Perspective said...

Have fun in Albuquerque! Maybe take a sleeping pill -- it could put you out for half the flight:)

Georgie K. Buttons said...

Laughing my head off, seriously.

She-Fit said...

Good luck with your flight! 16 hours can pass by super fast if you have tons of stuff to do.

Elise said...

love it ! thanks

MeanDonnaJean said...

Awww hell honey, who needs to exercise after all that shit ya just went thru? Sounds to me like ya already worked yerself up into a hearty sweat!

But forget the exercise 'n all that damn seat research. Just pop yerself a Xanax "stick" right before boardin' the plane 'n ya won't have to worry about a damn thing....cuz you'll be in a self-induced-semi-coma the entire trip!

McGillicutty said...

It's easy... just fly Virgin.. everytime I have flown with them they are only half full (or half empty) and you can spread out into a full row once you're up there.
I'm with Spud on this one though, drugs and alcohol are definitely the way to go!

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Andi Marie Smith said...

No matter the pain, and injury that are written in your blog, your writings always seem to brighten my day.

kristine said...

I think definitely that was exactly what the universe was telling you. Now, given that Google controls the universe, and all this started with a google search....well. There's a conclusion in there somewhere. In any case, pa 16 hour plane ride is going to be pretty uncomfortable anyway. But it sounds like you have good things waiting for yu at the other end!!

Optimistic Pessimist said...

I'm not sure but I think Forex Rajput wants you to visit his blog, I could be wrong though...

Perhaps packing a snuggie would make your flight more bearable?

M.J. said...

Hilarious! I appreciate you brightening my dreadful Monday afternoon with some laughter at your expense. ;)

Extranjera said...

Wow. Feels so good to be on the interwebs again.

Javier - Thanks!

VEG - Nope. I'm just HAADES... ;o)

Kim - Awesome! So much looking forward to the story. I also have a good one regarding a certain other elliptical, but I can't make it public, because it involved bottomless laughter and I have things to do today (no I don't but I did scrunches yesterday and the muscles are sore).

Monica - Thanks! I am very much following the universe and giving a wide berth to the potentially possessed machine.

Spud - Yup. The list probably exists in the universe where I can also find my shoes every morning (that really should be far easier than it is). I'll talk to Kim about how cool it is to go to Europe for a weekend, meet people you don't know and then leave again, after spending most of your time in the only Starbucks in Notrthern Europe. ;o)

Laila - I'm on a sushi bender as I write this. Wine never made anyone fat, right?

Chelsea - But now I've read that you already made it, so....

LL - Ah, yes. Should have gone straight to Google.

Ellen - Thanks! That's what I figured (about the heat). I'm getting to the point too where I really have to want to travel somewhere in order to weather the travel time on a plane. I used to love to fly. Oh well.

MissBuckle - I'm on board with that too! Why should losing some fat around your seat area involve eating less. I don't think that's right at all... ;o)

Kim - Anytime.

P & P - Thought about that, but the thing is that the flight involves a stop in Senegal, where the passengers are not allowed to leave the plane, but have to submit to a security check and identify their belongings. And there's no being out for that.

Georgie - Thanks! I'm glad someone's getting a laugh out of it.

She-Fit - I have books, but once my butt falls asleep my concentration waivers.

Elise - Thanks!

DonnaJean - Sadly, see my response to P & P above... Such is my misfortune. No Xanax until Dakar.

McGillicutty - Drugs and alcohol. This will put me on some cool search result lists... ;o)
No Virgin here, though.

Forex Rajput - I'm not sure what you want me to do? Can you be a little more precise, please.

Andi - Aww, thanks.

Kristine - Google is a supreme being and works in mysterious (├╝bertechnical) ways, that us mere mortals will never understand. I hear ya.

Opie - Not sure. I wish he had been more explicit. They don't have snuggies in SA. GASP!

M.J. - Thanks! I'm glad something good is coming out of it all!

Optimistic Pessimist said...

wait...SA doesn't have snuggies? how have you been getting by? i'm appalled.