Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Tutorial anyone?

There have been some of you who have written to me asking me how to write a blog. While the only answer I have is "how should I know" I thought I would show you how my brain works while I'm writing. 

Don't worry, this is the edited, child-friendly version of the bowel movements of my dear brain and only contains the occasional misspelled expletive. 

1. I start with a weird thought. Today it is laundry.

I am staring at a huge mountain of laundry and thus I'm turning to the lovely world of blogging.

2. From the first thought I move onto the next. Today my brain goes from laundry to my maid, who I have a love/hate relationship with.

I should do the laundry though, because I don't want it to be all pink if it is supposed to be white, or be put in the closets while it is still wet but in an ironed state, or all of it come out in the size fit for the neighbor's new pug, who the crazy people next door clothe like a baby leaving me planning an intervention on behalf of the poor dog who does not look or behave like he's pleased.

3. I decide I like another thought better than thoughts 1 & 2 combined and decide not to rant about the maid after all, lest you should all think that I am completely spoiled, which I am, but I won't be the one to bring it up.

I know it's cold, but the dog doesn't want to wear a pink cape on top of a Blue Bulls 'sweater'. I wouldn't either. They don't match. And I'm all about being fashionable at all times, wherever I go. Indeed.

4. I go a fourth way after all, and decide not to mock people who dress their dogs too much, because I remember I have a friend who sells clothing for dogs. I cringe a little bit, but decide that sometimes cool people do weird things. I am a case in point myself. I decide to mock a subsection (pretty much half if I'm being honest) of Finns instead.

I admit it, I don't do the 'Rural Finn', which involves I and my partner in life purchasing matching windproof jogging outfits (Wikipedia wants me to call them shell suits, but it's the Finnish Wikipedia so I refuse immediate trust), called tuulipuku and then rocking up at the grocery store wearing those selfsame outfits while discussing the pros and cons of sausage, but I do rock up at various places wearing inappropriate clothing, which either gets me the label of the 'rebel', or of the 'slob' (you guessed it, overdressing has never really been an issue). Having people know that I am Finnish usually relaxes the expectations quite a bit and the fact that my Birkenstocks are not lined with socks is all of a sudden considered a fashion moment.

5. All of a sudden It occurs to me that my mother reads this and she is always saddened if I mock Finns or Finland, and she doesn't quite think I do it warmheartedly. I also realize that despite of referring to my Birkenstocks on multiple occasions I haven't actually ever written about them. I wander into the back garden and take some photos too.

My beloved pair.

The old ones and the new ones beating each other to a shoe-pulp. 
Edit: This just occurred to me. Perhaps instead they are making me some new tiny Birkenstocks?

I have been wearing one pair of Birkenstocks now for three years. I just bought a new pair, and honestly feel like I'm neglecting the old pair. They have hiked with me in Panama (yes, it's possible, there's more there than the canal. Yup, for there to be a canal there needs to be some land as well.), climbed a volcano in Guatemala (although my Ecco's had to take some of the heat by orders of our guide), lounged on the beach in Mexico, walked up and down the (surprisingly boring) strip of Ipanema in Rio de Janeiro, been marveled at by whores in Havana, Cuba (they all wanted them instead of the toothpaste), watched corn with me in Lusaka, Zambia, taken an accidental dip in a pool of pee in Stone Town, Zanzibar, and many more places.

6. After thinking for a good couple of minutes where all I have been, I realize that I'm just bragging with my travels (this is where the some people can't stand me comes in...) and coming off as horribly spoiled, which again I am, but you guys are not supposed to know that. So I decide to balance the travels with something nicer. Cue charity.

The Birkenstocks have been there with me and for me, and only lost two rhinestones while at it, one of which I had to dig out from the mouth of a toddler in an orphanage in Mexico (a HUGE lesson in childcare). I love them and tell myself I only bought the new (shiny and black) pair to take some heat off the 'actual' pair. I'm sure Hubby wishes I'd feel as sentimental and as attached to certain other things (like the jewelry he gave me as a wedding present - now where did I put it?) or places (Hubby in a typical fit of nostalgia: Look, there it is. The first apartment we ever owned together. Me: Good riddens you leaky bastard! ...Why the fokken long face Hubs?)

7. I think about this orphanage story for a while and assess whether it could count as bragging as well, as I believe that good deeds are even better if one is able to keep quiet about them. I look at the pile of laundry again and consequently veer off to Hubby. because most of it is his and I always come back to him anyways.

Hubby really is much more sentimental than me, and I know that while I sometimes think that there isn't a thing in this world that isn't replaceable in one way or another, he sometimes holds on to things that are either superbly fugly (we own two of the fugliest paintings on earth because he inherited them and they are not even nudes or something cool like that but fokken landscapes), or just weird. Like the brace he had on his knee after his surgery back in the late 90s. Meanwhile, if it was up to me, we would be living like hobos out of two suitcases containing only necessary items like my Birkenstocks, and no paintings nor leg braces. I don't think even my books would be there. GASP.  

8. Here I stall. I realize I have completely missed any sort of point in this post and there is no way "I digress" will work, because I didn't really establish any kind of point to begin with, unless it was laundry, which I don't think I would like to write about. I go make some more coffee, and make a firm decision to actually do something tomorrow worth writing about, or at least write about that nice elderly gentleman I almost killed on my way back from the airport. He was African, so I think I can spin the story to involve South Africa somehow. I think.

9. I think and think, but come to the conclusion that I've got nothing more on Hubby that can be publicly divulged as I seem to have gone from accidentally killing someone while driving to conjugal visits in prison, and decide to just wrap the post up and press publish. I've been at this too long already. 

Well, I'm off to chuck some more suspicious crap out, while the hubby is working his little viking ass off in Tanzania. He won't even realize when he comes home.

Have a good one y'all!


Rags said...

I dunno.. its a wonderful post! Wish i could globe trot just like u! and by the way i like them shoes.. :)


Sandy said...

A blog about shoes....hmmm, a woman after my own heart!

B said...

I'm confused, is this about shoes or laundry? Oh, sorry, it's about blogging! :)
I CANNOT believe you'd leave your books behind! By the way, reading Fire in the blood for the book club and am loving it!

sciencegirl said...

Leave books behind???
Just thinking of it is something a dear friend needs to do: she is about to make a cross-the-USA move in which her books (and really, crap books that she hasn't read in years, like paperback romances where the paper is probably falling apart) by wieght equal all their other stuff combined. This is a family of four. Could you please spread some of the Leave Books Behind spirit to California?
I would rant about her book collection in my own blog, but she reads it and would get mad, so thanks for letting me do it here!

spudballoo said...

I'm exhausted, I've done your laundry, met your maid, travelled around the world with you, sniffed your shoes etc etc....I have absolutely no idea what this post is about but I like it.

armyblond said...

You lost me at the pug in sweaters! LOL ... still hilarious though :)

Vancouver's Enviro Girl said...

What a surprise that this is pretty much how I come up with blog posts. Hence why it is a crazy place in my brain. See my about to be posted post for today as example.

And I feel sorry for that pug :)

Lots of hugs!

Emil Yaditya said...

love those both pictures..

Optimistic Pessimist said...

yes cool people do crazy things all the time...my problem is I confuse the two...I can't tell if someone is just really really cool or plain old crazy.

Also, I totally agree that good deeds are better when one keeps quite about them.

Chrys said...

First time reader. I enjoyed the tutorial, you read like a captivating book, and capture attention like a dicey journal. Love it, and will follow.

Imogen said...

Hi Love your blog. I following. You made me laugh today :D
Please check out my blog, It feels lonely :(


Budding Writer and Reader ;)

Braden Rosner said...

Excellent advice. I couldn't agree more on the random thought system of writing.

Keep up the great posts. I plan on living vicariously through your travels as I currently reside in Toronto, Ontario during the midst of a garbage strike. Ughh.

julochka said...

this is an extremely good example of stream-of-consciousness blogging. it's just that i question (a teency weency bit) the consciousness...and whether it was, in fact, conscious.

but i'm cool with that.

and happy that they're all asking you that now too...i was a bit too earnest in my answers to that question. in retrospect. but i do actually have (a perhaps annoying) earnest streak.

CrazyCris said...

I love the way your mind wanders from here to there and back again! It makes for very fun reading! I wish I had that gift for gab!

Anonymous said...

before i read your caption under the photo of the shoes, i thought..."oh how adorable. they are in looooove."

MeanDonnaJean said...

This post is true blog perfection. A post with brainwaves hard at work. A post about nuthin' much with a smatterin' of anythin' 'n everythin' in between.....'n who knows where it'll end up from here! Ingenious work, if I do say so myself (which outta give ya a clue about MY brainwaves, right? LOL)

Cyndy said...

Gee. In my life stories, I begin with these wonderful esoteric thoughts and then they always END with laundry! I have got to get a life!

If you ever have to leave your books behind, send them to me for safe keeping. I'll keep them in my library (which you know just happens to be a laundry room right now, but I promise I will not iron them. Nothing ever gets ironed, so, really, no worries!).

See? Laundry! It haunts me...

Iva said...

congratulations on being blogs of note!!


Not So Glamorous Housewife said...

I have an imaginary maid who does all of my laundry and has an affair with the imaginary gardener. It's quite bad. Our imaginary cook's heart is broken over the whole thing since she had the imaginary gardeners love child. I know how you feel. I regret to say I am spoiled too. Sigh.

Sandy K. said...

Such a wandering journey - your life. You weave the threads together and I can follow them! Fortunate that blogging is personal - and a joy to create:). Does your maid make house-calls?

forlackofbetterwords said...

thanks a lot! This has really helped me! I'm just starting my blog and I hope I can make mine as interesting as yours!

Anonymous said...

I totally understand about the birks. I loved mine, and then my dog ate them. I save a buckle - it is on my keys.
I'd considered making a dog tag for my hound out of it...

Great blog you have here!

Online Money Update said...

ok yes i'm confused too!
I love this blog about shoes! It's great!

Lexi Lane said...

"Edit: This just occurred to me. Perhaps instead they are making me some new tiny Birkenstocks?"

I just laughed really hard...thanks. :)

I really liked this. It's all very interesting and funny to read.

K13 said...

oohh Birkenstocks. I am not whether I should admit that I have owned the same pair since pre-1995 and while I don't wear them often now, I once wore them SO much that I've had to have them re-soled. I love those freakin' sandals. The pattern on them is amazing and they go with everything. Love them!!

kristina said...

this explains a lot, actually. your stream of unconscious consciousness ;-)

CMG said...

You make me laugh, it's funny because I just started my own blog inspired by yours...just writing what you feel or think at the moment, I have too many ideas and don't know how to organize them but sometimes just writing them gets you to a better place, and a better post!

Congrats! I love your blog, will follow...

P.S. I have never seen those shoes before..i would be like your husband, attached to them because all of the places they've been to!

My name is Erin. said...

Conjugal visits to prison? What?

The Reverend said...

Just started following you and I love your writing style, or lack-there-of! :) Just rant about anything and everything, what ever pops in your head. I love it! Keep it up and I look forward to reading more of you posts soon. Love the Birks!!