What not to do

when heading out to the O.R. Tambo International Airport in Johannesburg, South Africa.

NOT the car I was driving to the airport. Just the only picture of a car I had, which was a little surprising. She is a beaut, though.

It is morning and you are arriving by car. Perhaps you are headed to the airport to pick someone up, perhaps that special someone, your chosen partner in life. Naturally, you are simply super-mega-excited. He was, after all, gone for three whole days. You are just giddy with excitement. That is easy to see.

That's why you stayed up until 2AM, drinking a bottle of Pinot Noir and watching extremely bad television. That's why you hit the snooze button three times in the morning, before finally getting up. And that's why the first thing you do, instead of taking a quick shower, is turning on the computer and sitting on the upstairs couch in a towel to surf the internets. And, most of all, that's why you need to wait for the coffee and even eat a couple of eggs before running (and I use this term extremely loosely) into the garage.

Giddy, giddy with excitement.

But first things first:

:: Don't leave your keys on the dining room table and then try to back out of the garage without opening the garage door with the remote that is attached to the keys waiting patiently on the dining room table. You'll also need those keys for the first gate. They are your house keys, keep them with you.

:: Don't act like a moron who has never driven a car before. You can do it. You're a smart woman and you might not be able to park the monstrosity, but going straight is your forte.

:: Don't stop in the middle of the road, even though you're still within the estate, to clean off that glob of goo (very likely to be snot) from the sunglasses. Just take them off. Later on it'll be easier to clean that goo off of the sunglasses than the black cashmere sweater. Believe me.

:: Don't speed even if your foot falls asleep on the pedal if you're 'only' going 80 (of them kilometers, not miles) on the highway. This will only force you to break like a maniac every time you think you see a police car, because you still haven't gotten around to getting that international driver's license and technically you are not allowed to drive in South Africa. Well, it has only been a year.

:: Don't accidentally change lanes because you're too busy picking your nose to watch the road. You'll just freak yourself out and wonder how you managed to stay on the road. And then you'll just think of accidents and the moronic behavior worsens.

And don't forget the most important thing:

Once you actually get to the airport, once you've followed the signs and gotten off at the right exit, and you can see the entrance and all of the planes even, remember this one thing. This is quite essential. In fact this is the thing, the key, to what not to do when you're picking up that special someone up at the airport.

:: Don't drive through the entire airport and pass several parkades with signs flashing 'OPEN' looking for that elusive parkade 4, that possibly doesn't even exist, only to end up accidentally exiting the airport, and on the road heading to downtown Johannesburg. That will just lead to panic, illegal U-turns at shady industrial areas, and complete blanking out regarding the final parking spot of the vehicle, unless "somewhere at the airport" counts.

This is quite essential. And can make or break an airport run.